Monday, Jul. 21, 2003 | 10:34 AM

I�m walking around with a whole lot of anger and resentment and sadness built up. There�s just no denying it. And it�s poisoned my life in so many ways. I�ve made a lot of good breakthroughs and choices, yet still there is such metaphysical toxicity in me, sometimes to the extent of being completely overwhelming physically.

I don�t want to spend the rest of my life hurting like this, resenting like this. I want these psychic ulcers to heal once and for all. Time in and of itself does not heal such things. Neither does success. I do not know exactly what does cause healing to begin. Love? What if love seems to have been the problem in the first place?

Compassion? Empathy? These are things I pray for, as I do forgiveness, and I do so selfishly. I just want to stop hurting. I don�t want to hide from the hurting beneath a shroud of success or immediate ecstasy or subconscious passive aggressive revenge tactics. I want to really and truly in my day to day life stop hurting. I want to stop having nightmares. I want to stop feeling sick to my stomach. I want to stop wincing at the mention of certain things. I want to stop soothing the hurt with consumption. I want to stop avoiding.

What exactly does it take to stitch up and be whole again? Please tell me. I�m out of answers.