Monday, Jul. 14, 2003 | 12:19 PM

When I look back over the last� um� I was going to say seven or so years, but really over the last 26 years, there has just been so much fucking drama-- you know? Endless, endless drama and trauma. So many deaths and heartbreaks and disasters. And of course there has been lots of great stuff too, more great stuff than bad stuff�this Spring for example, was truly one of the most wonderful times in my whole life, especially having followed this winter, which was truly one of the worst.

Do other people carry around with them in their bodies all of the experiences they�ve ever had? I can call up any feeling that�s ever occurred to me and it�s still right there, living inside, fresh and new.

There are things that I want that I�m afraid to admit to myself. I feel like on some level I�ve been trying to be senor Tough Guy and present this brave hip face to the world. I feel so schizoid�on the one hand incredibly accomplished and successful and popular and happy�I mean I have this terrific life, I really do. And then on the other hand, terribly lonely and afraid and um, suspicious. Not suspicious in a paranoid sense, but unwilling to really give my heart over because I don�t trust myself and I certainly don�t trust other people. No matter how much I am empathizing with or relating to someone, there�s this piece of me deep inside that says,

You could turn on me on a fucking dime so best not really rely on you at all. A year from now we�ll be lying to each other and you�ll hurt me and then I�ll hurt you and it�ll all be meaningless so what�s the point.

Thing is, I don�t really believe any of this. I think what I need is to love and be loved and I need to find it within myself to do that�not just in the context of a play or music or creative collaboration, but really towards other people, over eggs and toast on Sunday. But I just do not count on anyone and it�s not that I don�t like people�I LOVE people. I love humankind, and I have so much capacity to love and be loved, but there�s something that�s damaged and shortwired in my ability to do that. And I�m going to be honest and say that I blame other people for this, that I am enraged about things that have happened in my life and have not and don�t think I ever will get over them., which is 1) a total waste of time and 2) incredibly unfair. 3)causes me to behave without even realizing it in self destructive ways that are also harmful to others.

But there it is. I can change my actions and behavior, which I have (to a large extent) but I cannot seem to change my feelings, try as I might. It�s like in order to do that, I have to come to some kind of Buddha moment, and I get there�I do. But then I slink back. It�s so fucking frustrating.

I keep myself so in check now and I was never ever like that long ago. And so then I hate myself and hate other people for it. It�s stupid.

This is making no sense. I�m just rambling. I�m going through so much right now and it�s good I guess. These things always always lead to something really positive and it�s good for me to get in touch with this shit and acknowledge it and deal with it. It usually takes some major external situation to force me to do that, and here it is. Yay.

So much for the nice easy summer.