Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003 | 4:49 PM

Christ I hate asking for money. I mean I hate it with an absolute passion. You have to remember that for a couple of years I was utterly destitute� couch surfing, relying on the charity of others. I was the guest of honor at a perpetual pity party. People looked down on me-- I knew what people said about me behind my back. People wrere embarrassed to be around me. It made me feel so�small.

At a certain point in my life I decided I was never ever going to have anything like that happen again. I was going to come across as 100% capable. Not just capable, but so super completely in control that I left everyone else in the dust�not in need of anything from anyone else. I would ignore phone messages from friends for months because I couldn�t bare talking to anyone if I wasn�t feeling completely OK about everything that was going on in my life.

See? I work 60 hours a week. See? I have my own apartment in the best area of town. See how fucking grown up and together I am? See the nice lavish dinner parties I throw? See? SEE HOW WORTHWHILE I AM???? SEE HOW I�M NOT THAT GIRL IN THE SAME RED DRESS EVERY FUCKING DAY SLEEPING IN AIRPORTS WITH THE RATS NEST HAIR THAT�S EVERY FUCKING RICH PARENT-SUPPORTED COLLEGE STUDENT�S FAVORITE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?

Too too bad about Anna. What a drag.

See how I can buy the drinks now? See how I�m OK?

But the thing is what I was worrying about was coming across as capable rather than actually being capable. And now I am in trouble. And I am so scared. It�s not like this is anything new or that anything especially bad has happened recently-- only that reality has reared it�s ugly head and I�ve finally faced after sitting down with all the numbers�numbers don�t lie, that I need help.

Help. Help is a four letter word.

I am PHOBIC of asking for help. PHOBIC of relying on people. I am so phobic of it, that my natural inclination is that I would rather screw myself and someone else into the ground than ask for help.

Oh sure, everything�s fine. I�m on top of it. I�m handling it. I am so together.

Well, doing things you are afraid of is my motto right? Shouldn�t I put my money where my mouth is and actually bite the bullet and admit that I cannot do this alone?

Look at how many kids just get money from their parents as a matter of course. I never had that. Nobody paid my rent. I�m not saying I wish anyone had either�I�m just saying that it�s not like I�ve been living on daddy�s dole ever.

First of all I�m not going to ask for money to have-- I am going to ask for money to borrow, and I�m going to ask my godparent who is a millionaire. And it�s not like I�m a deadbeat. I work two jobs. I sell myself to science for cash if I have to. I�ve just been bad about budgeting and I need to fix it before it spirals out of control.

I�m trying to convince myself here.

I feel like the biggest piece of white trash right now in the entire world. I am so terrified to do this that I think I�m going to have to write my godmother rather than call her because if I call her I�m going to start crying on the phone and that�s going to be so embarrassing. And I feel like such a terrible spoiled brat because there actually are people who are in terrible situations and I am not one of those people. I am just fucking stupid.

OK�enough of this. Time to go to job number 2.