Monday, Jun. 30, 2003 | 9:12 AM

Apart from the intense evening I spent with Angus on Friday, I did absolutely nothing this weekend. Did not answer the phone. Did not go anywhere. I just felt like being alone. Not because I was depressed or even wanted to think deeply and soul searchingly. I just felt like watching movies and laying around.

I declined two party invitations and even a request to attend a play for free. Sometimes I just need to be in my own shell. And the thought of having to talk to anyone else is exhausting.

It was nice. And it�s times like those that I am ecstatically happy that I live alone. As much as I am primarily an extrovert and adore other human beings, if I don�t have my own space (physically and psychically) I get really antsy and unhappy.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to eventually live with someone else�maybe someone I care about deeply. But I�m still suffering serious burnout concerning that matter, and when I think of my autonomy or state of sanity being threatened by anyone else, I feel absolute panic, and oddly enough, a terrible rage comes over me.

It�s strange how wonderful everything is, and how happy I am, and yet sometimes for no reason at all, something bubbles up inside of me and I want to go berserk. That there�s all of this thick fuzzy anger that lives in some secret part of me. I wonder what I will have to do for it to abate fully. I wonder if it ever will. I guess it�s the trade off for everything I�ve learned and the measure of strength I�ve gained. For all practical purposes, I have everything I want right now. (OK�financially things could be better, but they aren�t terrible.) And if I had to go through a sticky hell to get here, that�s just the price I had to pay to be who I am right now. But I do wish the psychic bruises would fade away once and for all.

You know what sucks about bruises? You can�t do anything for them�no Band-Aids or antiseptic will make them better. You just have to sit back and wait for them to disappear. And you can�t talk yourself out of them.