Thursday, Jun. 19, 2003 | 1:43 AM

When I healed, first I had crushes. And now I have this. This is not a crush. This is something else. And I�m fearful about what might happen�what if it was just a short term thing and when I get back it�s gone? Then it�s gone right�it doesn�t mean it didn�t matter�everything works out organically if you let it and you can�t force anything. Otherwise it becomes fake and meaningless. Giving up all control, letting things just be what they are without picking them apart or trying to transform them�observing the natural process. It�s so new for me. Part of it is how much I�ve changed, and part of it is being with someone who doesn�t want me to be anything other than who I am.

Her eyes are so soft and her smile is like the 4th of July. I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her bedtime stories.

Happy birthday Ivy. Sweet dreams.