Tuesday, May. 27, 2003 | 9:31 AM

A very full weekend indeed. Many decisions made. Many realizations come to.

On Friday night I talked to my Mom on the phone for hours and officially came out to her as bisexual. She took it really well and was supportive, although she was a tad miffed that I hadn�t told her about it before. There hadn�t been any need to since I was only ever involved in �relationships� with men, but that may be changing and I have gotten to a stage in my life where I no longer have the ability nor the desire to hide anything about myself. It felt really good.

Debbie came over later on and I was a tad tipsy and exhausted and was able to talk to her for all of twenty minutes, but it was still nice to see her.

Saturday Alamada was sick and my voice was still pretty shot, so we rescheduled our rehearsal session. I instead spent the day looking through all my sheet music and narrowing down a set list for the show, cleaning my apartment, eating avocado and havarti sandwiches, and reading about theatre.

Then around 9:00 I headed over to The Charles Playhouse to meet up with the many Cabaret cast and crew people who work there, and talk to the bar manager about my singing gig.

I�d been missing everyone so much, and it was a joy to hang out with Co-Star and Director, and Kel, and to see Mr. Wonderful decked out in his Blue Man makeup.

I drank for free all night�many Blue Hawaiians and Chocolate martinis. Danced and hobnobbed and gossiped, and it was great. I�d been feeling starved for the company of my comrades. Missed them more than I ever dreamed possible.

Director gave me a ride home as per usual and we had a good long chat. God I love her.

And yet at the end of the evening I started feeling a tad depressed and I couldn�t put my finger on why.

On Sunday Angus came over and we watched his pirated copy of X2-- excellent by the way, much better than the first one. We got take out and drank and talked and talked and talked. Then he took me to Charlie�s for many more drinks, and we talked some more. Very revealing conversation. Our relationship grows stranger and stranger and more interesting, especially now that I don�t want or expect anything from him. And our friendship deepens as we become more and more honest with one another. It�s been purifying.

It was a wonderful day and I felt really beautiful and good about myself when I went home.

And yet later that evening when I was home by myself listening to Etta James and reading Stanislavsky, again I started feeling depressed.

On Monday I spent the day doing absolutely nothing. I watched some of the Law and Order marathon on TNT, ate couscous, read poetry, talked to various friends, lovers, and family members on the phone, and putzed around.

It was a nice day. And yet, by the end of it, I began feeling antsy and depressed again.

And I started thinking about the past and being perturbed by it�something which irritated me to no end. During Cabaret, I felt as though I�d let go of so many demons, laid so much to rest. And yet here I was (apropos to Memorial Day, I guess) ruminating on all these events from my early twenties. I started becoming infuriated and resentful�emotions I hadn�t felt in awhile.

So I sat down with myself and asked myself why the hell I was even thinking about this stuff.

And I came up with a very good answer.

During Cabaret, I was absolutely in my element and committed to a course of action at any given moment. My attention was taken off of myself and instead placed on the task at hand�both in an immediate sense, and to the greater goal.

Now that I�m not in Cabaret, I�m feeling set adrift. Like I�m wasting time.

And instead of focusing on being committed to a course of action, I�m resenting the long period of my life where I was wasting time�which was basically from the ages of 19 to 25 1/2. And I�m focusing on that because it reminds me of how I�m feeling right now, this week, of not having done anything really.

I�m not saying there weren�t nice moments here and there between the ages of 19 and 25 1/2, or that I didn�t have a good time or learn anything, but what I basically learned from that entire 6 year period was what not to do with my life, and I can�t help thinking that if I hadn�t been such a dumbass, I�d be much farther along now than I am currently. I worked a stupid job and I didn�t do any theatre and I futzed around with a lot of bullshit that just wasn�t worth my energy and I went through a lot of emotional trauma I could have easily avoided if I hadn�t been so stupid and I wasted money on things like dishes and CD�s I never listen to and too many cartons of ice cream. [note�I am talking about me and only me here]

I am resenting that six and � year period because right now without the play I feel like I�m wasting more time. Even though it�s only been a week. Even though I have all of this stuff set up for the future, I�ve been loafing�still drinking (even if I haven�t had to pay for any of it) and fucking around. I have a golden opportunity right now to get myself in shape and together for the Spring Stock Auditions, and I need to keep my eye on the prize rather than wallowing in my previous success.

When I was doing Cabaret, and being committed to something that meant so much to me, taking creative risks and doing what I loved, I realized that in the past I�d fooled myself. And I saw how easy it is for creative people to fool themselves by just being hipsters (i.e. going to the right shows and seeing the right art and reading the right books rather than actually creating anything meaningful.) And I saw how for years I fooled myself into thinking I was doing something, but hadn�t actually done didlisquat worth anything. That I�d been a passive observer and artistically bankrupt. And I don�t ever want to be that again. I want to be committed and awake and realling making something at any given time. I�m 26 years old. There�s no time to waste.

Today I�m going over to join the Harvard gym, which I will be a slave to from now until I leave. My second job starts mid June. I work 8-4 at Harvard, go to the gym from 4-5:30, and then to second job from 6:00-9:00 on the weekdays for the whole summer. I will, come hell or high water pay off all my debts so I can get the fuck out of here with no loose strings I have to focus on what lies ahead and stick to my guns. This is a phenomenal opportunity for me to learn the self discipline I�m going to need when I�m doing stock next summer, performing six days a week, three shows a day.

I have a course of action and I am committing to it with a single mindedness of purpose. It�s nice to realize why you�re not feeling up to snuff and then doing something about it rather than just drinking away the feeling or analyzing yourself to death�both of which are traps.

Oh�a couple of new developments�I�m going to take some voice lessons with this music teacher from Yale in a couple of weeks when I go home to Rochester and she�s going to hook me up with some music people in Boston if she likes what she hears. (Fingers crossed)

And my sister asked me to be the vocalist for her compositional performance next Spring�it�s some big deal thing that Allen Shawn (Wallace Shawn�s brother whose a really successful composer) is part of. I�m pretty psyched about that.

I mean really, I have a lot of balls in the air right now. Maybe I�m being hard on myself. Nah�I need to be hard on myself. If I�m not, then who the hell will be?