Saturday, Jun. 21, 2003 | 10:04 AM

Oh separation anxiety. I�m all numby blubbery and sad sack right now, but as Josh suggested, attempting to be gentle with myself. Take deep breaths. Deep breaths. This is just the beginning. By this time next year I�ll be in a different place, and doing theatre full time. Or at the very least well on my way to that. I have no doubt in my ability to do so, and I have tons of support and good connections now. I�m singing Sunday night and putting together my act for the Charles. And then there�s a show in the Fall. So I have nothing to be feeling so bereft about�it was a terrific magical perfect life changing experience, and I am blessed to have had it. And there�s only more on the way. And for fuck�s sakes it�s been a couple of days since I�ve been on stage�that�s it. I am such a workaholic and I�ve grown attached to my fellow cast members. I feel at a bit of a loss as to what exactly to do with myself. I�ve been sleeping 14 hours a day.

It�s interesting now, having gotten to know myself so much better, to observe my reactions to this situation and study them almost scientifically. I feel terribly vulnerable at the moment, and want nothing more than to be loved and held and told everything is OK. Luckily, that is exactly what I have been getting, and it is good to be bathed in such respect and support. I am letting go of all expectations and assumptions about what should happen for me right now. It�s interesting to be so aware of my defense mechanisms, how I would have behaved in this situation say a couple years ago, and to purposefully choose in a conscious manner not to employ those behaviors. I will not shut people out. I will not drink myself into a coma. I will not come to fatalistic conclusions about the future (i.e. �Nothing will ever be as good as Cabaret was!) I will not worry incessantly about my relationships with cast/crew and by what means they will continue to evolve. Life is change. Let it in. Breathe.

Oh, I do have a date for dinner and sex the first week of June. So that�s pretty rad.