Monday, May. 05, 2003 | 8:32 AM

I�m in an awful awful mood today and I�m not exactly sure why�I mean, I know partially why I�m in such an awful mood, but not completely. It�s like there�s a brick laying right in the middle of my chest and electrical currents running up and down the back of my neck.

I don�t wanna go into it too much as far as specifics are concerned, and no it has nothing remotely to do with anyone reading this.

I overheard a conversation yesterday that made me feel sick to my stomach. It was a conversation that had nothing whatsoever to do with me, but it made me feel terrible and it ruined my day. It illustrated the central conflict I have over being a girl, something I can�t reconcile. It�s a no win situation. Beautiful or hideous, fat or thin, it all boils down to the same thing. Don�t we all just want to be seen and loved for who we are in the end? To be loved because of who we are instead of in spite of who we are or because of what well loved cultural stereotype we most resemble?

I just feel terrible today. I woke up and I looked in the mirror and burst into tears. And I don�t look any different most likely than I did a few days ago when I felt beautiful. It�s all context.

I remember when I was 140 lbs. and having my ass grabbed and being looked at like I wasn�t a person, like I was a battlefield to be invaded and conquered. And I feel now at the weight I am, that people who don�t know me just see right through me like I�m invisible. There�s no happy medium.

In Cabaret I am surrounded by these gorgeous women wearing almost nothing, and I am of course the token Non-gorgeous woman in clothing. I know everyone reveres and respects me. But I also feel like I don�t exist-- that I'm looked right through. On the other hand, I wouldn�t want to be in those girls�s position either, because they have ceased to be people-- whereas I feel like I'm invisible, they are opaque-- they are objects. The way I heard so and so�s discussing them yesterday made me so angry I wanted to go over and punch those boys in the mouths. I�m not a prude. I love looking at beautiful bodies and there�s nothing wrong with having a highly sexual appreciation of someone else. But this was crass and belittling, almost as though these guys were threatened by women�s sexuality and needed to put them in their place by objectifying them.

The whole thing depressed me so much, and made me feel less human.

Sometimes I wish I didn�t have a body. That I could jump out of my skin. I don�t want to be thinner�I just don�t want to look like anything. I don�t want to be measured against anything. I just want to be who I am.

And also yesterday I was really pissed at Co-Star who yet again was being a fucking Goof ball on stage and broke my concentration. Second Act he was great. But first Act he was a dick. And lately he�s been less� I don�t know. I think what was between us, or rather my feelings for him are changing.

You know what? I think it�s just much much better if I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with men in any kind of sexual or romantic way for the rest of my life. I have the worst track record of anyone I know. And you know what? The sex I�ve had with women lately has been pretty good. So I think maybe I might just give up men and focus exclusively on women because they are far easier to deal with. And if I miss certain aspects of men in the future, one thing I won�t miss is being made to feel like I�m less than a human being.

I�m totally serious about this. I think I�m going to decide to exclusively date women and have sex with women from now on. I�ve just fucking had it with the opposite sex.