Saturday, May. 03, 2003 | 7:27 PM

The thought of it scares the shit out of me, which is why I think I'm going to do it.

I'm going to take a bus to New York on Monday the 12th, and I'm going to walk into a cold call audition for the Touring Company of Hair. Then I'm going to promptly turn around and come back to Boston. Rehearsals for that show start in late August, and then it will be on the road from September through June. If by some strange cracked twist of fate I happen to get a part, I will sell all of my stuff, pay off as much debt as possible and run of to be a travelling gypsy at the end of the summer(a very well paid gypsy.)

I don't know if I can get the time off from work Monday, but I'm damned well gonna try.

I know I would have a .001% chance of getting in the show, but even if I don't, it's the experience of trying that counts. I've only got this one life to be me and I'm not gonna do anything half assed ever again.

Last night I had a dream about my job, and in the dream all of my teeth fell out of my head as I was riding the elevator up to my department. Now don't get me wrong-- I truly appreciate what a wonderful job I have and how lucky I am to work with brilliant progressive people who are making a real difference in the world-- just this morning at work I spent two hours hanging out with my boss and singing jazz standards. Working there is a treat. But if I could have my dream-- if I could make a living doing what I love, it would be the most marvelous thing in the world. And I am not cut out to have a 9-5 job for life. I don't want to grow to resent this job. I don't want to cling to it because it's safe-- that fearful self preservation is the quality I have most disdain for in humankind, and exactly what on a large scale has made the world the apatheic place it is.

So... opening night of Cabaret is Friday. Second and third performances are on Saturday. Then off to New York (if I can swing it) and back again to do the mid week run through. Then the closing shows. And then... who knows?