Monday, May. 05, 2003 | 12:41 PM

Today I want to be told I am beautiful. To have my hair smoothed from my face and my eyelids kissed. I want to be held with strong tender arms, taste the sweetness of brandy soaked lips.

I want to be made a hot cup of tea. I want a basket of oranges and a roll in the hay.

These appetites are parasites on my otherwise well functioning brainstem. I do not want to want. I do not like to yearn. What am I yearning for really except to be told I am OK? That I am worthwhile? Please look into my eyes and tell me everything is fine, that I am worth loving because your opinion means so much more than mine. Tell me how you think I should be. Tell me if I�m too fat or too lazy or not good enough. I will strive and strive to be whole in your eyes. I will give you anything you ask for even if it breaks my back. You are holy and thus whatever you want must be The Right Thing. You are my religion. I follow your commandments.

I�ll let you convince me again and again. Please. I�ll do anything you ask. Just tell me you love me. Tell me I�m beautiful. I�ll ignore your re-run vacant tone of voice. I�ll pretend you actually mean those words that fly from your lips on autopilot, heat seaking missiles moving in for the kill. I�ll ignore the mushroom cloud. I�ll ignore the barren landscape of my body. I wait for you to harvest me and make me grow again after this obliteration of my soul�s geography.

I�ll turn a blind eye. I�ll let other people whisper about what a fool I am behind my back. I�ll go through terrible things for you again and again to prove to you how much I love you and then maybe just maybe you�ll love me. Is one stigmata enough? How about two? Here, I�ll cut the flesh from my wrists to my elbows. I�ll sleep beneath the bed. I�ll live on dead bugs and rancid cider. See? See how much I love you? If I do all this won�t you love me too? And if you love me, won�t I be real?

What rubbish. Why on earth would I ever want to slink from the highs of self determination to the enslaved sloppy lows of coupledom?

I know what works and what does not work for me. And today I am backsliding because I don�t feel pretty. And pretty is just a euphemism for loved. And loved is just a euphemism for Good Enough.

What do I have to do to be Good Enough? When is it going to be Good Enough? Why do I let other people decide what is Good Enough? And why do I give myself away so easily for the merest hint of a kiss?