Friday, Apr. 25, 2003 | 1:05 PM

I am so happy. So mutherfucking happy. I just wanna go go go go every moment. I never want the day to end. I push each day off a cliff and I tumble into my dreams at night accidentally. Always good dreams lately.

And other people keep having dreams about me and this show. And I find that so wonderful.

It�s like my whole entire life has been leading up to this. I couldn�t possibly explain to anyone just how much it means to me. I feel blessed. I feel like I am constantly witnessing a miracle.

Do you realize that just a few short months ago I was honestly on the brink of suicide? I was literally having a nervous breakdown. I didn�t think I was going to live through this year and I am being perfectly honest in saying that. I�m not exaggerating. Something in me finally cracked and I�m surprised that I didn�t completely go over the deep end. I�d had similar episodes in the past, but nothing quite like that. The pain of it was physical�I could feel it in the back of my neck and in my temples. I couldn�t stop throwing up. I could physically feel my heart breaking. It was the darkest dark night of the soul I have ever experienced.

It was like I had to reach a point of such terrible desperation. I was falling and falling and knowing I was going to hit the ground and die unless I could find something�some branch to cling to. And the only thing in sight was theatre, which I grabbed onto because I had to. If I hadn�t reached for theatre I can say with absolute 100% certainty that I would be dead now. I look back and shudder at how very close I came to that point.

And it�s like I did die�some part of me died and now I�ve been (to be all clich�) reborn. This sounds so trite and cheesy because there are no words to express what has happened to me. I�m all at once the person I somehow lost, and someone entirely brand new. Light is just blazing out of my fingers and toes and I�m on fire. I don�t think I will ever really be afraid of anything ever again because I faced down every single thing that I�m afraid of�all of that bullshit indoctrinated from my childhood about not being loveable, of being abandoned, of being betrayed (and I�m not talking about anyone else here�I�m talking about me and what my experience felt like. It�s not a question of anyone else having done anything �wrong� to me at all. There is no cookie cutter moralization in what I am saying in the least. Things absolutely happen for a reason and every person�s experiences and choices are completely valid. I just want to make that very very clear).

When my heart broke, I got to act out the entire psychodrama of my worst nightmare terrors and live through it, emerging whole and intact, stronger as Hemingway says, in the broken places. And finally being able to see everything clearly, exactly as it is.

OK�you know what life is like now? A lucid dream. It�s like dreaming and realizing you�re dreaming and you can control the dream. If you want to fly, you fly. If you want to breathe underwater, you can. Every day that I live is a new brush stroke on some beautiful mural I am painting in conjunction with the universe. I don�t yet know what the picture is yet, but I�m dazzled by the colors and by the mystical process of creation.

I have so much love in my heart and so much hope for the future. Life is such an incredible wonderful gift. We are all so lucky to be here. There is so much to do and to see and to feel and be and I want to experience it all, just take it in and out�the joys and hurts, the ugly and the lovely, all of it.

OK I�m done babbling now. Carry on. I love you.