Monday, Apr. 21, 2003 | 10:12 AM

Co-star has the sweetest laugh. And one of the nicest smiles I have ever seen. And he gives me these looks. Ones that cause my face to turn red as a toy fire truck. Often co-star wears ties to rehearsal and for some strange reason that makes me want to hug him very very tightly.

The man has heart, you know? There�s something so decent and kind about him. He�s attentive and considerate and just plain good. It�s almost disconcerting.

Sometimes I wonder whether maybe I might have a different sort of relationship�one that would change my mind. One where I might stop expecting to be hurt or disappointed. One where I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that I was loved and wanted-- a relationship with someone who chose me.

I�m not saying I even want that, mind you. But I just wonder�

Just thinking about it scares the living shit out of me.

But you know what? It's OK. It's really and truly OK. Because I have chosen me. Finally. And that is really the most important thing.

The rest is just gravy.