Monday, Apr. 21, 2003 | 11:41 AM

I have absolutely no idea why I�m crying right now. Usually when I say that, I actually do have some sort of clue. But right now I don�t. I suddenly feel all kinds of overwhelmed, like everything in my life�all of the experiences and emotions I have right now are different colors of paint that have all been turned over and are running together into one indecipherable hue.

Ok, let�s try to patch this through. .

I haven�t felt so happy and so alive and so real in so long, and I guess maybe I�m just afraid it�s all going to go away. I�m terrified of feeling fulfilled and lustful. I�m terrified of wanting in this way�of allowing myself to experience life completely. I am terrified of the implications of letting my guard down. Of repairing all the damage that has been done to my heart.

I love this play more than anything in the world. I love theatre more than anything in the world. I love having this crazy crush more than anything in the world. I�m not afraid of rejection so much as I am afraid of� I don�t know. I don�t know what I�m afraid of. I�m just afraid.

I�m afraid of loss. That�s always what I�ve been afraid of. Since I was 12, anyway. But loss is part of life. There�s no value judgement on it. You have to just let yourself take it in�all of it. The love and the hurt. Just breathe it in and out and let it all happen organically.

And I have been, but suddenly I realized how far above the ground I�m walking, and how easily I could fall.

Well, if I fall, I fall. The earth will catch me. And if I die, I�ll push up daffodils. We live we love we die. The end. Just do it fully. Be present. Stay involved. Keep walking that fucking tightrope. Make it count.

I�d rather have that than be one of Thoreau�s men who live in quiet desperation.

To repeat the clich� of all cliches,

It�s better to burn out�

You get my drift.