Monday, Apr. 14, 2003 | 11:25 AM

I mean this is just ridiculous. All fucking morning I�ve been swooning over my co-star. Feeling all giddy and romancey and silly as hell. Humming Magnetic Fields Songs under my breath and going over and over again in my mind our scenes together and the way he looks at me when he sings, and the feel of my hand in his and his lips on mine and how lovely and kind his voice is and how big and deep his eyes are.

Stop stop STOP fer chissakes. It�s a friggin� play. And of course I�m feeling romantic about him. After having forcibly squashed all silly tendencies due to the great love disaster that bludgeoned my heart into a stringy pulp, I now finally have a safe outlet for these kinds of feelings. I get to be this woman who is terribly cynical and whom is swept off her feet by a kind, noble, wonderful, ardent, devoted man. I get to be adored, and it�s not scary because it�s not real. Of course, it�s never real anyway, but there�s no risk of real hurt. Just hurt I get to play out onstage. And as I become more and more wrapped up in this play and in this role, and it is more and more real, of course I�m gonna go gaga over this guy. I�m supposed to. That�s what makes our scenes together so compelling. What�s between us is palpable, and I�m glad for the sake of the play and my performance that I don�t have to fake my way through anything.

But it�s sucky all the same. Maybe I should just enjoy it. But I don�t want to enjoy it too much. Because soon it�s going to end. Christ almighty, what am I going to do when this play is over? I eat sleep and breathe it. And now I�m madly head over heels method acting enamored of my co-star, whom I�m sure I wouldn�t be in love with if I hadn�t met him in this manner, but when you get real method act-y, everything starts blurring. I can�t tell you how often I slip into a German accent now during �Real Life�. This role consumes me. I totally understand actors like Daniel Day Lewis or Deniro who go all out like that. I mean, is there any other way to do it? I love my character so much. I really and truly love and understand her and sympathize with her.

I don�t ever want this to end.