Friday, Apr. 11, 2003 | 12:14 PM

Once you�ve had a real long term relationship�you know�living together and fucking and throwing surprise parties and breaking wine glasses and screaming at each other and making up and grocery shopping together and showering together and playing guitar together and visiting each other�s families and stealing each other�s sox and t-shirts and making mac and cheese in the middle of the night and watching Law and Order while cuddling in bed and throwing fits when the other person isn�t home on time and squabbling over who took out the trash last and deciding on what you�re gonna name your children and going to the abortion clinic together and cheating on each other and picking out matching dishware and fucking on the kitchen floor calling in sick to watch porn together and buying each other too many Christmas presents and feeling trapped by one another and feeling enraptured by one another and loving and hating and breaking up and going through hell and wanting and repelling and crying and making up and fucking some more and on and on and on�

Once you have that for six years, crushes just aren�t as big a deal as they once were.

My heart goes gaga for Mr. Wonderful don�t get me wrong. When he walks through the door inside I melt like a Hershey�s kiss on a Florida Beach. I steal glances at him across the room and catch myself staring longingly with dumb struck puppy-dog eyes while he sings or clowns around. I dream about him and I tremble at his very touch. The other day when he pulled me into a slow dance and kissed my hot blushing cheek, I thought my heart was gonna fly right outta my throat and land somewhere on the other side of the room.

But having had something that was real for so long (if completely and totally bonkers) and knowing that Mr. Wonderful actually has something real at home with someone else, I understand how inconsequential these moments are. I am sure Mr. Wonderful doesn�t go home and think about the impromptu slow dance and cheek kissing. I�m sure Mr. Wonderful doesn�t think anything about me at all, except perhaps that I am talented. Even if Mr. Wonderful didn�t have something real, it wouldn�t change anything. I am a girl with a crush on a boy who thinks nothing about her whatsoever. I haven�t been that girl in years and years, and although I enjoy the swooniness and such, it�s a terribly irritating position to be in.

Having experienced the joys and horrors of true intimacy kinda takes the fun out of crushing. Before I�d ever dealt with a relationship, the CRUSH experience was always and exciting one�like going to a foreign country or learning how to ride a bike. I enjoyed being able to read another person�s actions the way I�d read a Shakespeare sonnet�looking for allusions and metaphors. Now I know better. So I can�t even hope that there is something beyond the surface. I used to revel in the delusion that so-and-so might fall head over heels for me, but alas, these things don�t happen.

In fact. I have never had that happen�the relationship I had didn�t start out as a crush or as one person liking the other in that traditional sense. People don�t like me like that�and I�m not saying so in a stupid whiny way. I�m not saying that people aren�t attracted to me or that they don�t love me or anything, but I am not, never have been, and never will be, the object of anyone�s crush. Which, you know, is OK. There are trade offs. I�ve probably kissed more people than almost anyone I know. And I have tons of friends. And I�ve gotten to experience being in love (once was enough, thanks�never again) and people admire me and la la la so there�s nothing to complain about.

If people like me �in that way� it�s inevitably a one night thing occuring between myself and a friend. I can�t tell you how many times that has happened to me�someone I�ve known for awhile decides suddenly and seemingly without reason that I am simply fascinating and loveable and worthy of their attention. And then the next day you know, it�s back to friendship. And that�s GREAT�I love those nights. I treasure them. Only sometimes I wonder what it is about me that�s fascinating for a moment and suddenly not so fascinating anymore. I�m not a person that elicits long term affection from others�not romantically at least. It�s as though suddenly, someone comes under a spell during which they are momentarily bewitched by me. But when the clock strikes midnight, the carriage turns back into a pumpkin, the glass slipper breaks, and the prince goes home to marry someone more suitable. Hell even my relationship was like that. It�s, funny because I don�t know how to turn that thing on and off that is loveable or wantable. I wish I could bottle it because I�d make a million dollars.

I guess though really, it�s good that I do not merit that sort of ongoing romantic affection because if I had it, I�d most likely feel stifled and uncomfortable�I�m not very good at accepting that kind of real true blue consistent honest devotion from anyone�it makes me terribly uncomfortable, and I guess I�m happier with those wild romantic rides where outta the blue someone�s in love with me for one night only�like a special benefit performance of some wonderful play that�ll close tomorrow.

One good thing I�ve learned though is how to believe something in the moment and enjoy it for what it essentially is, and not hold anyone to it later. So now, I can kiss a boy passionately and be told how beautiful I am and in love with me he is, and not be hurt when the next day there�s no follow through.

Because who needs the follow through, right? The follow through only leads to grocery shopping together and picking out matching dishes and cheating on each other and trips to the abortion clinic and having your heart sunk like a battle ship and all that silly petty bourgeois crap.

I never thought I�d say this, but honestly, in terms of relationships, I�ll take the fairytale over real life any fucking day.