Friday, Apr. 04, 2003 | 3:04 PM

Via my guestbook:

From Val

hello, i've been reading your entries for a while and i can really empathize with a lot of the things you write about . . . i was wondering if you had any non-bs advice for recovering from a painful break-up?

Hi Val. Well, I don�t know exactly how good a person I am to give out advice of that sort, but I�ll try.

I�m going to assume you are asking about a relationship that is absolutely definitely over. One that is painful, and one that you want to move beyond in your life.

Here�s the first thing.

If you happen to be cohabiting and you share a room, stop sleeping in the same bed. And find different living arrangements as soon as possible.

Don�t under any circumstances have sex with your ex after you�ve broken up. Ever. It�s a very bad idea for many many reasons. First of all, if something goes wrong and you wind up in trouble (pregnant) it�s even more devastating than it would have been if you were still together. Also, continuing sexual intimacy won�t allow you to disconnect and move on. I can�t stress this enough. When it�s over it�s over.

Secondly, do not attempt to be friends with your ex. This may be hard as you probably still have feelings for this person and want him in your life. Trust me, it�s a very bad idea. If you really want to get over the relationship and move on and heal, you�re going to need a lot of distance for a long time. Don�t talk to him on the phone. Don�t write him letters. Don�t spend time with him. It may be possible for you to be friends with him some day down the road when you are completely over him, but don�t count on it. Resist the impulse to ask mutual friends how he is doing and so forth. Disconnect�that�s the operative term.

Take down all the pictures you have of him and any other big reminders and put them away. Don�t look at them. Don�t listen to songs that remind you of your relationship. Don�t watch home movies of the two of you together. Don�t read over old letters. Resist the urge. Often you�re going to doubt whether you did the right thing. Trust me�you probably did. I don�t know your situation, but most of the time when a relationship ends, it really needed to end.

Spend lots of time with lots of different people. Develop an active social life. Sleep with other people, or at the very least, make out with other people�a lot of different people. Some people might view promiscuity as unhealthy escapism, but I think it�s one of the most positive things you can do. Obviously be very very safe (triple protect yourself) but get some variety, and distance yourself from the intimacy you shared with your ex. Of course be honest about your intentions with whomever it is you�re screwing.

Fucking around is GREAT. But do not jump into dating anyone steadily. Serial monogamy will not allow you to really grow, and whomever it is you start dating will probably just be a substitute or a diversion. The longer your previous relationship was, the more time you�re going to need to recover. The last thing you need to do is grab a new boyfriend right away.

Recognize that this breakup will have an effect beyond just you and your ex if you have mutual friends. All kinds of complications can (and most likely will) occur. Don�t be surprised if someone you�re close friends with starts dating your ex, or if someone you and your ex were close to chooses to spend more time with him than with you, or drops you altogether. Don�t take any of it personally, as difficult as that may be. Consider it a gift that this period in your life is allowing you to clean house and move on. It may be painful, but it�s probably for the best.

Do lots of things that you love to do�throw yourself into something meaningful like art or volunteering, something that captures your imagination and attention. Any opportunity you have to grow in confidence is going to make a major difference, so take risks�positive risks like applying to grad school of auditioning for a play (ahem!) And also, let yourself be debaucherous. Obviously, going on three week booze and cocaine binges isn�t recommended (well by me anyway), but I�m going to fly in the face of conventional wisdom and say that I absolutely would not have gotten over the worst of it without my good friend alcohol. Sometimes when I felt horribly depressed, I�d go out drinking with friends (key words here-- with friends, NOT alone) and then the next day I�d feel much much better than I did the day before.

Oh yeah�going on some kind of weird health kick can help�take up running or go on a cleanse. It probably won�t last long, but it helps you feel better in the short term.

Do not waste time worrying about what your ex is doing or feeling or whether he still loves you. It�s irrelevant. In fact assume the following: your ex does not love you. He doesn�t care. And he�s totally over your relationship. This probably isn�t true, but that attitude will allow you to truly move on. Any time you start thinking differently or if you hear through the grape vine that your ex misses you etc., ignore it. Remember that the goal is to MOVE ON with your life. There will probably come a time in the future when you have healed and can look back positively on the relationship, realizing that it was special, that there was love there, etc. But for now, those thoughts are only going to lead you astray and back into pining-sad-whiny mode if in fact you aren�t over the break up

On the other hand don�t vilify your ex either. Do not badmouth your ex. There�s a fine line between discussing your feelings honestly with good friends and spear heading a campaign to hurt someone. Don�t cross the line. If you have some poisonous thoughts you need to get out, by all means do so�in a paper diary you lock in a drawer, or to a very close friend or family member who is not friends with your ex.

It takes two to fuck up a relationship. Before you ever get involved with anyone ever again, recognize what behaviors/belief systems of yours contributed to the relationship�s demise.

As I said earlier, it may be possible for you to have some kind of relationship with this person down the road. I know people who had messy breakups and years later became friends. If that happens, great. But you cannot have a true friendship with someone in the aftermath of a messy break-up. You have to get over it first.

I�m not the most functional person in the world, so don�t take my advice for the gospel. I just know how and where I fucked up and I also know what I did that helped me feel better and move on, so that�s all I can offer.

Good luck�breaking up sucks. I honestly don�t even know whether having any kind of relationship with anyone is worth the pain of its end. But that�s another diary entry.