Friday, Mar. 28, 2003 | 10:16 AM

Something strange has been happening to me since I started acting again. Now that I get to act on stage, the part I�ve been playing in real life for the past couple years has fallen away.

I tried so hard to be responsible, regimented, down to earth. Someone I love once told me,

It�s like you refuse to have any fun. Like you want to be thirty. Like you�ve given up.

And that�s what I was like. I don�t know exactly why I became that way, why I started caring about owning matching plates and getting to bed at a reasonable hour�that so isn�t at all who I am. I guess I jut wanted to be a grown up�to protect myself from all the chaos that had been my life up to that point.

It took so much effort to be serious and well organized and hard-nosed. I played it so well though, and cut myself off so successfully from who I truly am, that I actually believed I had changed.

Now I�m much closer to who I was at 19�except I�m of course not snorting mountains of cocaine or throwing temper tantrums in public or sleeping out in the garden.

But I�m finding it harder and harder to carry on the semblance of Adult Responsibility. Don�t get wrong�I work my tail off at things that are important to me. I am so dedicated to this show that I would walk on hot coals for it. And I love the people I work with at my day job and I know what we do matters, so I make sure that everything is done correctly and on time �cause you know, I care. But stuff like keeping my desk clean or brushing my hair in the morning just seems stupid. Who cares if I have snarly hair or there are post it notes and gum wrappers stuck everywhere? Yesterday I received massive praise and damning criticism in the same sentence:

You do a wonderful job and you work very hard�we all love you, but please try to remember that this is a professional office�

Yeah yeah�

My head is completely in the clouds at any given time. Over the past week, I have missed my bus stop five different times because I get lost in my own thoughts or staring out the window. I find it harder and harder to be on time for things (except rehearsal) because when I�m walking somewhere, there�s always something to stop and look at. Like today on my way to work I must have spent a full five minutes ogling this amazing tree the reminded me of a Picasso painting-- Woman Flower with so many limbs stretched akimbo.

More and more I am becoming exactly who I am, which is great in so many ways. I�m a lot happier and more confident than I�ve ever been�all the occupations I�ve changed my mind about pursuing over again and again�lawyer, teacher, public health professional�I�ve realized that the only thing I want to do with them is play them onstage.

If I don�t make it as an actress, I am seriously screwed.

Oh, I added the Blog back, as a place to post links and what not, so I stop cluttering up my diary with them.