March 22, 2003 | 12:24 PM

I did absolutely nothing last night and I am doing nothing this afternoon�lying around reading and watching movies. It�s sooooooo nice and luxurious. I�ve been crazy busy lately and I feel like a queen not having to do anything at all.

I might take a nap in a bit.

I was thinking this morning about why women�capable, intelligent women, fall in love with men who are untrustworthy or otherwise bad for us. And I think it�s often because we don�t give ourselves permission to be wild or dangerous or crazy. So we�re attracted to people who are promiscuous or not particularly responsible because that�s the part of ourselves we�re denying. That rebellious devil-may-care part.

And it seems to me the more we express that ourselves�the more we do exactly what we want, the more assertive or rebellious we are, the healthier are the people we attract to us and the less we�re at the mercy of someone else.

When you start feeling powerless it�s a bad bad sign.

I had the sexiest dream about someone last night. It was just about kissing but it was the sexiest kissing ever. And I remember the feeling of his dark hair curling around my fingertips and his hand at the small of my back. We�ve only kissed once in �Real Life� in my kitchen and we were both a tad tipsy. We never talked about it afterwards and I sometimes wonder if I imagined it. Sometimes when I think about him a small terror pierces my heart because I don�t want to feel like that about anybody ever again. And also I don�t trust myself to only feel that way about one person. Monogamy is a dead animal in the road for me�I don�t want those chains around my neck ever again.

Sex and love and lust are a big whirling storm around my head these days. There�s so much to experience. So many surprises.

In other news I got so many good things in the mail today. I got a birthday present from Debbie and birthday money from three different relatives. I am very happy that my birthday continues to go on for weeks at a time�it�s always been like that. It�s never just one day, but a fortnight affair, as it should be.

I feel really loved and loving now in my life. It�s good. And I think I owe it all to finally doing what I want to do�act. Everything else shifts into place when you stop hiding from your own destiny.