March 11, 2003 | 6:27 PM

Dear Diary,

So it�s almost my birthday. Just about a year ago, I wrote this. And now, now I am HERE.

This year has been one of the most intense, one of the most full years I�ve ever had�and in a strange sort of way, one of the very best. With all its pain and loss and heartache, ultimately the changes brought about over this year have done me a world of good. I have become a much stronger, much better human being. I�ve achieved a great deal. I�ve worked through a lot. I�ve reconnected with people and made new connections. I�ve faced so much. Over the past year I have grown more than I have in a long long time. I realize I�m sounding like Oprah, but that�s quite alright.

On Saturday I am going to be 26 years old. And I have a much better sense of who I am and what is right for me now than I ever have had in my whole life. It�s as though I was sleeping. I was so afraid of life, of the world, of loss. And having to face that, having to really stare down the abyss and jump into it�I fell and fell and landed right in the dead center of this wonderful life. It�s mine. I own it. And the nagging anxiety, although not entirely vanished (there are still bills to pay, decisions to make, trials to face) has dissipated.

I remember before I moved out of Allston, I was terrified. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with Jenn, asking

What the hell will I do?

and she said something like,

You�ll learn. You�ll grow up. You�ll buy tickets for shows and actually go to them. You�ll have friends. You�ll have your own life.

And she was right. Neither of us knew then how strangely things would change.

I�m not going to lie and say there isn�t still and enormous sadness in me over how certain situations have worked out, or that I don�t have moments of anger, flashes of disorientation. But overall, as difficult as it has been to let go of the past and say good-bye to things I cherished, I think that all the way around (and I can only speak for myself although I have a feeling this is true for everyone else I know as well) the events of this year have honestly concluded in the best possible way.

For so long I hated myself. Felt terrible about myself. Doubted myself. Felt terribly helpless and bereft.

And now I actually am liking who I am. I still have days where I feel insecure. I still question myself. I still have big issues about trust. But when it comes down to it�I feel fucking GOOD.

And this has been building for awhile. Each year since the age of 19 or so has brought great challenges and great blessings, and I honestly think the ark has been one of upward emotional and spiritual mobility. I felt on my last birthday that I had really grown and I feel that about 1,000 times more now. So I�m just hoping it keeps up like this. I am so excited for the next year. I have a very good feeling about it. I�m sure there will be darkness as there always is, but I think something amazing is going to happen. I�m on the verge of it. And it�s just terrific�it really re;lly is.

Today I had the day off and finally collapsed�this past week was crazy, 14 hour days all around and nights fileld with partying. My cable got installed so I lounged around watching The Stepford Wives< (love that movie!), listening to music, and doing some work on my script. Tonight I have rehearsal!!!!! Tomorrow Josh and I are going out for dinner and to Blue Man Group (I have free tickets�there are so many good perks about being involved in the Boston theater community. I love it.) Thursday my second job is throwing a party for me, and Friday I am off to New York to be with the (platonic) love of my life, Sean. There I am sure I will have a quite debaucherous birthday weekend.

Twenty six. TWENTY SIX! I promised myself the second half of my twenties is going to be a blast. So far so good. The sex, the art, the friendship, the drive. More more more more more!!!

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww

--Jack Kerouac

I�m ready to keep burning for another year.

Love,

me