February 26, 2003 | 4:07 PM

16 more days until I head to New York (my 26th birthday is 17 days away.)

It seems appropriate to spend this birthday with Sean, whom I love so much I can hardly stand that we don�t live in the same city�he truly is one of the best best friends I�ve ever had. I spent my last birthday with him as well. I want to get the heck outta Boston. I�m not even exactly sure why, but the thought of being in this city on my birthday makes me feel sick inside.

I�ve been missing and thinking about New York a lot lately. And it�s weird�synchronicity-- everyone is talking about moving there. It�s been on my mind for some time. I love Boston dearly�really I do. And despite everything, I�m not sorry to have spent so much time here. But I know deep in my heart that it�s almost time for me to go. And when I do, it will be for a very specific reason. I�ll be moving to something as opposed to running away from something.

The future is bubbling right beneath the surface. I can feel something is about to happen�something really good, over the next few months. Just as a couple months ago I was having terrible nightmares and knew something terrible was on the way. It�s like staring at something through dirty water�I can make it out sort of, but the shape shifts and the colors blur.

We�ll see.

For now, I�m just glad that the big 26 will be happening somewhere other than here.