February 23, 2003 | 6:57 PM

I didn't even mention that Alamada and I played piano and sang together for like hours.

Instead I went off on a ridiculous tangent. As I was re-reading that, I'm wondering whether I subconsciously want people to treat me with kid gloves. There's a part of me that's like this terribly sad desperate little kid who wants so fucking badly to be loved. And who has temper tantrums and who can only think about her own needs. It's weird because there's another side to me that is really caring and kind-- as long as that sad, angry little girl part of me is feeling loved.

We all have our dark sides. Most people are better at hiding theirs than I am. My dark side has been rearing it's ugly head a lot lately. I have to look at that. I have to come to some understanding and heal that destructive explosive part of myself.

Oh, I had my first Cabaret rehearsal today. It was amazing.