February 18, 2003 | 4:46 PM

Over the past couple days I�ve sunk into a terrible sadness. Like an �I don�t want to live anymore.� Kind of sadness. Like a �can�t stop crying, don�t wanna leave my house or answer the phone� sadness.

Like I�m really really glad that I have Cabaret coming up because if I didn�t, well. I don�t know. Things would be bad.

So the thing is, I have to get out of this somehow. Sitting around crying, drinking and drinking and drinking, becoming more and more paranoid and freaked out, are not getting me anywhere. I was doing really well. I was. I was doing so good and then somehow I lost it.

Shit happens. Things hurt. Life goes on. I need to get my act together and shove all of the stuff that hurts into a corner and cover it with a blanket and not look at it and start doing other things. I don�t knoiw how much diaryland is helping me either. I think it might be better to stay away from it for awhile. I�ve said that before. I don�t know.