February 16, 2003 | 7:14 PM

Blah blah blah.

No symphony for me today.

It was a gray blech day out and in. Plans cancelled. Nothing to do.

However, I did get my Cabaret script dropped off to my house, and I've read it over four times.

Oh what a dark, dark play. And what a complex sad character I'll be portraying. I never realized how different the play is from the movie, though both are wonderful in their own right.

I am itching to get started working on this. I need something to put all my energy into, something I can really sink my teeth into. When I'm doing theater, nothing else matters. All of the things that hurt or upset me vanish, and my focus becomes laser sharp. I've already been outlining my character-- who she is, what her motivations are, what her past is, etc.

I still don't know who else was cast and in what roles. I'm so curious to find out. From what I could tell, there were some very talented people, and I think overall the company will be strong. The director seems very relaxed and on point. She gave useful suggestions to the actors during callbacks and I felt at ease with her, which is a good sign. I also really liked the music directors. Everyone seems to know what they are doing.

Oh Jesus, I can't wait til this gets underway.

Right now I feel a bit adrift. In many ways things are wonderful, and in many other ways they are... well, not so wonderful. Not bad per se-- just difficult. Difficult can be good and usually is in the long run, but I am definitely exhausted by all the emotional turmoil.

Although I've been seeing people a lot socially, I've been keeping so much of what's going on to myself that I've felt a sense of profound loneliness. Whereas usually I overcommunicate if anything, lately I've really held back. I've been afraid that if I start talking about how I feel I'll lose control. It's strange. I feel and have felt incredibly disoriented, like I'm not really sure who I am or who other people are. I've had a lot of looming doubts about the most basic things I've taken for granted. Re-examining your life is often positive, but it's also not any fun.

And I miss my sister a great deal. She is so smart and insightful and funny. And I miss Sean-- still. I miss Danni too. I feel like I can be myself around them all the time, that they know me and like me for who I am and that there aren't any politics involved.

It's nice to have been hanging out with David lately. I hadn't talked to him in awhile and he's come back around in my life. I talked to him briefly on the phone today and hearing his voice made me happy. I felt profoundly lonely all day today. Haunting my own apartment like a ghost. Turning things on and turning them off. I'm in some bizarre state of shock. I keep waiting for it to ware off, but it hasn't. I keep trying to do things to make myself feel better-- some positive (i.e. yoga, mediation, watching movies, reading) some not so positive (drinking compulsively, dwelling on things I have no control over)

Valentines Day was two days ago and tomorrow is sort of important to me as well. On March 15th I turn 26 and the prospect depresses me. I have a feeling I'm not going to do a damned thing for my birthday this year, which is I guess OK. Maybe I should just treat it like any other day.