February 07, 2003 | 11:21 AM

Last night was fun as fun can be.

Oh I'm bursting at the seems to talk about it, but I would ruin a surprise for someone who may or may not be reading this, so I have to keep it under my hat which is hard for me.

Over the weekend my house is going to be full and then there's the Halloween party on Saturday too.

Last night after everyone went to sleep, I watched the movie version of Cabaret for the millionth time and I am so excited so EXCITED to be part of that musical.

I've been doing some free writing and I had a couple of very good talks yesterday with my sister and someone else whom I trust, which made me feel much more zen about everything than I had even felt before. I'm being as honest and straightfoward and supportive of myself and others as I know how to be, and that feels good.

The amount of STUFF that's happened in the past month is mind blowing. It's hard to keep up with all of it-- to understand what's happening or exactly where I am. In certain ways it's wonderful because I keep learning more and more about myself and about everyone else. And a lot of the things I didn't like about who I am-- my defensiveness for instance or inability to take criticism from other people, my need to make everyone understand that my point of view was RIGHT or to tell them how to feel-- all that crap has fallen away. I feel a lot more direct and clean about things even in morally ambiguous situations. I feel like I can actually relate to people as opposed to hiding from them even if we are at cross purposes. And I'm not afraid of their reactions even if they have some honest things to say to me that might sting. That's what I want-- honesty. It's always the best policy. When people hide, when they ommit, when they can't face, that's when everything falls apart. And I am doing my damndest to be as open as I can be. It's tough. But it's worth it. It means looking at things about myself I don't like. It sometimes means causing myself and others pain. But in the end, it is always the best policy.

It's snowing out right now. It's snowing like crazy. And it's beautiful.