January 24, 2003 | 12:49 PM

So, I�ve been meditating a lot on the tarot recently�mostly on the cards I always thought of as being negative�The Tower, The Devil, The Ten of Swords, The The Nine Of Swords, and especially The Three of Swords. When I have given myself readings over the past month or so, many of those "scary" cards kept coming up, and a bolt of fear would strike my heart. But we don�t get anywhere by avoiding what frightens or pains us. The dark corners of destiny are just as much a part of life as those filled with light. Placing value judgements on certain archetypes interrupts any worthwhile learning process because in the end, how the ego reacts to experience is subordinate to the stretching and evolution of consciousness and spirit.

Basically, there are very few people or actions or situations that are either �right� or �wrong�. There is only learning opportunity and the chance for growth. And this has lead me to reevaluate the notion of karma as well. It isn�t that if you do something �good� to someone, you will get something �good� in return or if you do something �bad� you will get something �bad� in return. I honestly believe most people have good intentions and highly relevant and personal reasons behind their actions. It is no one�s business to judge anyone else. We each have our own destinies, by which I don�t mean fate or pre-prescribed life paths�I mean I truly believe we are all here to learn specific and individualized lessons, that in our lives we are endlessly confronted with a repetition of themes. That we teach each other in a variety of ways, some pleasant and some not so pleasant. But it�s the lesson itself that matters.

I have never been more fully aware of this than I am now. At this moment I am capable of seeing things through many different lenses at the same time. I have a much greater scope of understanding than I ever have before and a peace has fallen over me as well as a great deal of compassion for the paths of others.

If we are lucky, we each reach a place of knowing what we need from our relationships. I have a much stronger sense of my own values as pertaining to relationships than I ever have had before. I need people to be up front and honest with me at all times even if it�s difficult for them. I need to know that they aren�t going to say one thing vehemently and then change their minds on a dime and do the exact opposite. I need to know that I can count on someone to be with me during times of great pain and sadness even if it�s hard for them. I need to know that I am going to feel cherished and loved all the time. I do not want to be friends or lovers with anyone who ignores me or takes me for granted unless the threat of my leaving is imminent. I need to know I am not going to be sacrificed for the path of least resistance. And I need to know that if I have a relationship with anyone, be it romantic or friendship, that I am going to be able to look at myself in the mirror and respect the person I see staring back at me. That I am not going to be told time and again that my beliefs are �crazy� when they consistently 99.9% of the time turn out to be true. This has been a long time in coming. And I can finally and truthfully say that for the first time in my life, I feel absolutely sure of myself.

And I say all of that with the greatest compassion and respect for the choices of others, with the knowledge that I cannot know anyone else�s destiny nor can I dictate to them what they need from life. My control freakishness, my desire to manipulate or judge anyone else�s choices has vanished. It was a wall that kept me from real experience and the real love I have the ability to show and to receive from others.

And I can say that my heart is full of love right now as well. Full of empathy. Full of compassion. Full of good wishes for everyone and everything.

But that does not in any way change what I�ve stated above or in the previous entries of this past week. This is a continuous learning process for me. My eyes continue to open.

So� let�s meditate on one of those �scary� cards shall we? What is scary often turns out be the most enlightening.

(The following was taken from this website)

Ah, the dreaded three of swords. Three swords pierce a heart. Against the background of a storm, it bleeds.

You were warned that the peace established in the two of swords couldn't last. What sharp words or cutting ideas have created here, not surprisingly, is pain and heartbreak. This card often relates to love-triangles; but remember this is an air sign, so what the Querent believes to be true was likely due to something they heard wrong or were falsely told, a wrong idea they got into their heads. It does not lessen the fact that hurtful words are going to be exchanged.

There is, however, an up side to this card, however bleak. Prior to now, the words and thoughts - possibly poisonous words and thoughts - have been bottled up. They now come out into the open, the cutting truth. I don't like you, or, I didn't say that, or, I'm sorry, but it's your best friend I love (ouch!). So, well, now the Querent knows; no more waiting, obsessing, wondering, worrying. Either blood or poison can drip out, and the Querent can get on with their life. They now know how things stand and can act on that, instead of on false beliefs, gossip and misconceptions.

I have also learned recently that the three of swords denotes either literally or metaphorically, a necessary surgery. And I thought that was interesting.