January 16, 2003 | 1:16 PM

There's a play that I'm going to audition for.

I'm scared shitless. I haven't auditioned for anything theatrical since I got kicked out of college, my teacher crying that I was wasting my talent on booze and pills and chasing men. She was right. I frittered away a great deal.

I felt like a character in Valley of The Dolls and since then, guilt and a sense of inadequacy has kept me from pursuing my dreams. Sure I've performed as part of a duo, as part of a group. But I haven't stood on the line solo, independently responsible for my own artistic leanings since I was in college. This isn't to discount how wonderful some of my creative collaborations have been-- how much they have enriched my life. But I've been relying on the input of others to make me feel safe on stage. And that is the antithesis of creative growth.

Amongst the many realizations I've come to lately, an overpowering one is that if I am going to get anything done creatively, artistically, or theatrically, it's going to have to be alone. I've been waiting around for other people for far too long. I've been using the excuse of other people not getting back to me or not caring enough about following through on our projects as the reason why I haven't tried to do anything on my own. And that's crap. I don't have to wait around for anyone. I need to put my money where my mouth is and take a chance alone. That is after all, what I did from the time I was six years old until i was nineteen.

So I am auditioning for a play in a couple of weeks. A play that I have about a 1% chance of being cast in because most of the female roles are willowy types and I am surely not. But nonetheless, I am going to stand up and sing my one minute song, speak my one minute monologue, and dance my one minute dance. And I am going to do it even though I am terrified of the rejection I will most likely face, and of stanbding on that stage alone, with no one to back me up or hold my hand-- something I've relied on like a scared child. It's time for me to learn how to cross the street without an adult and sleep without a night light. Fuck security blankets. I never needed them in the past and I don't need them now.

Because I am not going to hide behind the excuse that I am not pretty or thin enough to be onstage. Not anymore. And I'm not waiting around for anyone else to get back to me ever again. If I do that I'll be waiting til hell freezes over.