January 09, 2003 | 2:19 PM

I just spent my lunch hour with Katrina, who I am becoming slowly friends with. We had an illuminating discussion about tarot and I learned a lot from her.

For instance, the major arcana Fool card grows up to become The Hermit, who in turn is reincarnated as The Sun.

I�ve been thinking about tarot a lot more lately in an archetypal way�exploring the mythos and how the cards are interrelated.

Last night I covered my whole body (well basically) with Aztec Indian Clay. I put on the first Velvet Underground album and lit some candles in my bathroom. After the clay dried, I took a bath with the rose quartz salts my mother bought me�they turned the water blood red. It was a little disconcerting at first and then I started to relax into it�as though I was staging some kind of mock suicide play for myself., How many times have I pictured my body laying in a pool of blood, wrists slit in the bathrooms of my various apartments? It was a weird accidental way of exorcising that sick outmoded fantasy starring myself as a martyr.

I�ve been spending so much time alone recently�haven�t been communicating with anyone. It was scary at first�not constantly rushing around with friends and partying all the time. I freaked out�I haven�t been truly ALONE in awhile. But I�m beginning I think, to sink into�I needed this. I love everyone, but I really needed some time alone, just as I think everyone�s needed time away from me.

This is random, but I miss hanging out with Angus. I�ve been avoiding him like the plague for multiple reasons, but I miss our talks. I really do love him and he�s been my friend for ages. I just need to learn how to deal with him on some kind of an even keel. I�m seeing him soon.

It�s less than a week until my sister comes. I can�t wait!!!