January 05, 2003 | 5:57 PM

I'm not really feeling very much better today at all. Whenever I have these dark nights of the soul my writing turns to shit.

I don't want to work anymore. I wish I could go back in time and start all over again with college. I would have done so much differently. Yeah yeah, I can start all over again now. I know. But I am under a crushing heap of debt right now. I got denied for a consolidation loan too. I am negotiating with a nonprofit agency to help me consolidate debt and pay it off.

So I'm at a standstill. And I kind of think I'm having a nervous breakdown. As much as I've freaked out and freaked out over and over again, I've pretty much kept it all together- school, working two jobs, etc. But now I'm just so tired. I can't keep battling this way anymore.

I know I'm being incoherent. This isn't linear. I'm throwing words down and hoping they stick rather than sliding off the page into a gooey mess.

You know what else I want? I want to be held. Is that such a stupid thing to want? I don't evenb care aboiut sex. I just want to cozy up next to someone and be snuggled and caressed.

Today I watched Marjorie Morningstar today and the two main characters reminded me eerily of people I know.