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January 04, 2003 | 10:35 PM Words of encouragement
I feel so sick inside. I just want to fucking die right now. Something awful has happened in my heart. I feel like I�m rotting from the inside out. If this is what growing up is then I don�t want go grow up. I don�t think I want to get any older than 25. I'm serious. I wish you could donate your life to someone else-- someone who is sick and dying but wants to live. Because I don't want to live anymore. I am tired of continually seeing how horrible and disgusting the world is and people can be. And I am tired of trying. I've run out of good things to tell myself. I have lost almost everything that has meant anything to me and now I have finally lost the last scrap of idealism I had left. I am officially a cynic and I would rather just be dead. I write diary entries because I don't even know how to talk to anyone anymore. I feel so completely and totally isolated. I feel like I cannot trust anyone including myself. I don't want to feel anything ever again because everything I feel is painful. I'm so happy that my sister is coming to stay with me for awhile because I feel so terribly alone right now that I can't stand it. What a wonderful fucking start to the new year. I think I'm going to go throw up now. *** It's about a half hour later now. This is an astrological transit I have today: This influence, although brief, can have a disruptive effect on your relationships. The problem is that it tends to make you feel very lonely and isolated, as if there is no one you can communicate with. And this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps unconsciously you send out signals to others declaring that you do not want to be bothered. You may get into a depressed mood that baffles the people around you, so they give up on you for the time being and stop trying to help you. There is a strong tendency to look on the dark side of life and to react much more strongly to disappointments and failures than to reinforcement from others and success. The best way to handle such feelings is to do nothing. Don't take them seriously and don't make any decisions based on the way you feel now. OK. Right now I feel absolutely terrible and I truly want to die. But I know that things will get better and this will only make me a better person. I might be hurting for awhile, but that's OK. It's part of life. Tonight I am going to watch some movies. I am going to take a hot bath. I am going to think about the things I have to be thankful for, which are many. I am not going to drink because it only puts off dealing with what I need to deal with. Tomorrow I am going to take a long walk and maybe go see a movie. And I am going to think long and hard about what I need to do to be kind to myself and then I am going to do it. For those of you I know personally-- I love you and I want good things for all of you. I hope to see you very soon. (Oh and please come to my party that's on the 18th-- that would make me very very happy.)
time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006
Before After
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