January 02, 2003 | 11:30 PM

So I was all prepared to write about New Years Eve but again, it�s gonna have to wait because just before I started in on the entry I talked to a dear friend of mine and now I am about 5,000 times more pissed than I was earlier this evening.

It�s not my business. I am trying very hard in my extreme state of anger to not say anything here that would embarrass anyone else or call someone out; I�ve done that in the past and it isn�t right (and just so you know this has absolutely nothing at all to do with my ex-boyfriend whatsoever)

What I have been made privy to this evening makes my fucking stomach turn. When someone fucks with somebody I love (even if the person doing the fucking is also someone I care about) I get riled up. And in this case, I am about ready to punch my fist through a wall. I am so angry. God I haven�t been this angry in I can�t remember how long. And I seldom lose my shit when dealing with other people�s lives. When I�m on the periphery, I usually maintain a modicum of detachment, an ability to remain logical and objective, to see all sides and have compassion for every person involved. It�s an ironic strength of mine, seeing as how blind I often can be when viewing my own circumstances, to really not pick sides when it comes to the lives of others. I see life (when not directly relating to me, at least) as a well written novel where there are seldom villains or heros, where everyone is a fleshed out character with relevant motivations and things aren�t usually black and white.

But this is JUST SO FUCKING WRONG.

What fucking RIGHT has anyone to crush someone else�s spirit? To supposedly be in love with someone and then say the cruelest most god awful things about and to that person? To call someone manipulative when the person naming names is behaving in the most calculating psychopathic manner possible?

I can certainly understand venting�hey, I am the queen of venting. But there�s a big difference between venting your frustrations (i.e.��I am very angry at so and so because of such and such and he�s a fucking asshole so fuck him�) and saying terrible, ruthless, cruel shit about someone�things that made me flinch, things I wouldn�t say to my worst enemy no matter how angry I�ve ever been. And to be saying it about the person you�re supposedly in love with? That�s SICK. There�s no other word for it.

Usually when I�ve seen this kind of abuse inflicted (think the saga and Jenn and Ronnie Jackson) I haven�t had a lot invested in the person doing the inflicting. But this is different, because I really do love and care for the person who�s being such a total schmuck�much more than he probably even realizes; this person has no idea that I�ve been his biggest cheerleader for years. And it�s a double heartbreak because I have to see one person whom I adore just broken up and torn apart and treated so unfairly, and I have to see the other person being this horrible horrible fucking bastard�this person whom I have relished and held in such high esteem, whose talents and intelligence and sensitivity I have admired for almost a decade. And it quite frankly is making me so nauseous that I am about ready to throw up.

I hate this. I am just so god damned angry right now that I can�t even think straight. I feel defrauded and cheated out of thinking the best of someone. And so god damned disappointed. There's no excuse for this at all. No way to apologize for these actions, this behavior. It is unconscionable and incorrect. And somone so smart and so talented should fucking know better.