January 02, 2003 | 6:24 PM

I am back in Boston right now and had a couple of different things I wanted to write about but they�ll have to wait because I just got some news and I�m all bent outta shape.

I think my least favorite thing to feel about another person is disappointment. Especially when it pertains to someone I�ve held in such high esteem but didn�t put on a pedestal�someone whose faults and virtues both I felt well acquainted with. And then it turns out that person has behaved in a way that I can�t wrap my mind or my morals around. It hurts to watch someone act so cruely towards someone else�especially when I�m on the sidelines and watching the train wreck. We all do things we aren�t proud of. At one time or another we behave in unsavory ways. And who am I to condemn someone else when I don�t know what that person is thinking or where he is coming from? But I think, especially when the situation has nothing to do with me personally, that I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for people�s foibles, and right now I don�t have any compassion. I�m just pissed. I am pissed when people don�t live up to their potential, when they behave deceitfully or engage others in power struggles. When they refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and get off scott free. I am pissed when one person kicks the shit out of someone else�s feelings whom they profess to really care about, and do so almost gleefully.

I don�t know what the fuck I�m talking about, I guess. It�s one thing to act rashly in the moment and say or do things we wish we could take back. But it�s quite another when that behavior is calculatedly selfish and almost designed to hurt.

I don�t know. I have to calm down right now and take a walk around the block or something�get my head clear.

It sucks when you feel you have to forgive someone for something that wasn�t even done to you because you find it so ethically offensive you can�t reconcile the deep caring you have for that person with your own morals. And you have seen how that behavior has decimated and hurt someone else whom you would sell your right arm for if you thought it would help her

Jesus Christ I am so angry right now.