April 18, 2002 | 11:13 AM

8E) ## Harvard Ave

The Stupid Company is growing like Jack�s Bean Stalk. It is not the dinky marketing research firm it was just a year ago. LonnieMcMormon�s plans for world domination are coming to fruition.

So it seems.

The personnel changes alone are staggering.

After Lynn moves to the Data Analysis Department and Seth is made a Project Manager, we re-hire Mike, a former interviewer and member of the Kent*Pope*Instat*Collective* as a phone room supervisor. Mike�s dot.com just went bust and he needs a job ASAP. I adore Mike and am thrilled to have him back

Several more analysts are hired as well. And boat loads of interviewers sign on every day for their measly eight dollars an hour.

The Stupid Company is at full capacity and space is becoming a major issue.

It is so crowded that Seth and Erica�s desks are placed in the middle of a hallway. There are many surreal moments as I attempt to step around them on my way to the bathroom.

The entire office begins to feel like an apartment where too many people are crashing on the couch. It is claustrophobic. I hate being there even more than I normally do.

Everyone is aware that something must be done.

In the middle of September we are told that The Stupid Company has made a decision regarding expansion.

The Data Analysis Department and Upper Management will stay at our current location in Downtown Boston. The Data Collection department (aka The Phone Room) will be moved to some other building somewhere else in the greater Boston area.

BigPeter sniffs out rental opportunities for the new phone room. He looks in low rent areas like Sullivan Square, Dorchester, and Quincy. These are not areas that any of us in the Data Collection Department would especially like to commute to every day. It would take John and I a good hour and a half T ride to travel to any of the scouted locations.

Great. We move all the way from fucking Winter Hill so we don�t have to commute so long into work, and the second we settle in Allston, we�re told that our place of employment may be moving a twenty-minute walk away from the apartment we just moved out of. Cute. Very cute.

Upper Management hems and haws for a few weeks over the reorganization. During this period LonnieMcMormon swans about the phone room, pointing out to colleagues and clients how the various cubicles and phone jacks and supervisor desks will be ripped out and replaced with shiny new upper management offices.

When Lonnie speaks of gutting the phone room, it is as though he�s talking about some hot piece of tail he�s hoping to seduce. His eyes glitter and sweat glistens on his forehead. You can almost see the hard on jutting through his Ralph Lauren trousers.

It becomes apparent to all of us that Lonnie hates the Data Collection Department.

He hates the low class, jeans and sneakers wearing, eight dollar an hour making interviewers.

He hates the slightly less low class middle management supervisors, with their rock �n� roll bands and labor friendly office politics.

All of us undesirables make The Stupid Company feel less... legitimate to Lonnie. We sully the posh environment he is attempting to create. Lonnie can�t wait to be rid of us. We are the red headed stepchildren he wants locked in the attic.

A few weeks after Lynn is made a Research Analyst, Lonnie stops by her cubicle.

I bet it must be a relief to be out of there, huh?

Lynn stares at him blankly, unsure of what he is referring to.

I�m sorry I don�t follow.

Lonnie smiles conspiratorially and leans in.

You know. Out of the phone room.

Lonnie whispers the last two words as though he is discussing a curse of some kind.

Lynn doesn�t know how to react to this.

Oh. The phone room.

Lonnie laughs. He has no idea that Lynn is friends with the rest of us lowly Data Collection Managers and Interviewers. He figures she is just like him. After all, she looks like a nice clean-cut corporate smiley girl. And she�s graduating from a top university with a stats degree. Why would she purposefully spend time with the bottom caste if she didn�t have to?

I bet you couldn�t stand being there, doing that grunt work with all those...those people, huh?

Lynn stares at him for a moment.

Actually, I really liked working in the phone room. I love those people.

Lonnie is taken aback.

Oh. Of course. OF COURSE. I�m just saying that this position is more in line with your skill set.

Lynn smiles at him curtly and goes back to work, refusing to acknowledge his presence any further. Lonnie stands in the same place for thirty or so seconds, and then walks off in a huff.

Over beers that evening Lynn and I discuss the situation.

He is bad news, Anna. Bad news. Shit is going down. I�m not sure what, but he has it in for the phone room.

I stir my Bass Ale thoughtfully.

Do you have any idea what he has planned? Where is the phone room moving to?

Lynn shrugs.

I don�t know. Knowing Lonnie, probably fucking Mexico.

We have a giggle over this.

The next day there is a big meeting in the conference room. The meeting consists of LonnieMcMormon, BigPeter, EvilRene, Seth, Collin, and Angus.

I walk by on my way to the water cooler, and through the glass I see them all gesturing wildly. Angus seems especially vehement.

Nobody appears to be very happy.

Angus comes back to the phone room afterwards with his head hung low. He is exhausted and defeated.

Angus, what�s going on?

He gives me a half smile before sitting down and cradling his head in his hands. He sighs.

Well, that meeting sucked.

I sit down next to him.

Did they make a decision about the phone room?

Angus nods.

Yeah it looks that way.

I wait for him to explain further but he doesn�t.

So what�s the decision? Where are they moving the phone room?

Well, that�s just it. They aren�t moving the phone room.

I gaze at him questioningly.

I don�t get it.

Angus turns to me.

They�re cutting the phone room by 75%.

My jaw drops.

What? But the company is doing so well. I mean, they�re making money hand over fist. I don�t understand.

Angus takes a deep breath.

Yes. They are making money hand over fist. That has nothing to do with it. When BigPeter and LonnieMcMormon looked around for another phone room, they didn�t like the rental prices. They didn�t want to pay so much just to house the phone room. So then Lonnie has a brilliant idea.

My hands are shaking.

Which was what?

His idea was to get rid of the data collection department entirely. Just rip out the whole phone room and fire everyone�all the interviewers and all of us as well. And then outsource the phone work to that company in Canada for sixty cents on the dollar.

I can�t believe what I am hearing.

Are you talking about DumbDumb Company�the one that we farmed out the XKL Project to? The one that screwed up the open ends so badly we could hardly use any of them? The company that fucked up so royally that John and I spent an entire weekend attempting to fix their mistakes? He wants to outsource to them?

Angus frowns.

Yeah, those guys. He wanted to farm it out to them.

I am almost shouting now.

But they suck. Doesn�t he care that the quality of their work is fucking horrid?

Angus shakes his head incredulously.

Anna, when are you going to understand? LonnieMcMormon and BigPeter don�t care about the quality of the data collection. They figure any moron can do it and that any mistakes will be fixed during analysis.

But if the data is fucked up and wrong to begin with...

Angus cuts me off.

Who says they care if it�s wrong?

I am stunned into silence.

Angus continues.

Listen though. Listen. Seth and I convinced them to only cut down 75%...

I interrupt him.

Oh gee, only 75%. Wow, how fucking charitable of them.

Angus bangs his fist on the desk.

Jesus. Will you just fucking listen? It was the best I could do, OK? I can�t tell you how I tried to save everyone�s jobs...

His voice trails off and he is about to cry. I take his hand.

I�m sorry Angus. Go on.

Seth and I convinced them that some of the ongoing projects, like the customer satisfaction surveys we do every single month for Freedom Reciprocal Insurance, shouldn�t be outsourced. That if we outsourced them our clients would notice something strange was up, and we wouldn�t be able to explain any shift in the data collection process. So we�re keeping those projects here. So our jobs�you and me and John and Mike�we�re all safe.

I look up at Angus.

What about the interviewers?

With a trembling voice Angus says,

We have to let most of them go. Upper Management is going to bulldoze the phone room in a few weeks. The break room will be the new phone room.

An absurd thought occurrs to me. A ridiculous, irrelevant thought.

So, we�re not going to even have a fucking breakroom at this god damned company?

Angus musters a smile.

Anna, when was the last time you had a break?

Stay Tuned For Part the Fifty-Third...

Karma police

arrest this man,

he talks in maths,

he buzzes like a fridge,

he's like a detuned radio.

Karma police

arrest this girl,

her Hitler hairdo

is making me feel ill

and we have crashed her party.

This is what you get,

this is what you get,

this is what you get,

when you mess with us.

Karma police

I've given all I can,

it's not enough,

I've given all I can

but we're still on the payroll.

This is what you get,

this is what you get,

this is what you get,

when you mess with us.

For a minute there

I lost myself, I lost myself.

Phew, for a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself.

For a minute there

I lost myself, I lost myself.

Phew, for a minute there,

I lost myself, I lost myself

Read the SAGA from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After