Saturday, Jul. 17, 2004 | 2:52 PM

I've been so bad about writing lately and for that I apologize-- mostly to myself because I like to keep a record of what's going on and I've been lax about that.

My band had two shows this week-- the first of which was great and the second of which wasn't. And you know, that's fine. You can't be 100% every night.

The show at O'Briens was simply awesome, and there were so many people in the audience whom I have a great deal of respect for musically. The show at the Beachcomber was mediocre-- we were all tired and there were problems with the sound so our slot got pushed back an hour. It wasn't BAD, but it definitely wasn't great.

We got an offer to do another show tonight, but I'm exhausted and since we're recording next week and I want to be in good condition for that, I want to take it easy so we're not doing it. Plus, as much time as Matt and I spent together this past week, we haven't had a whole lot of quality time alone which is very important for us to do, so tonight is going to be a Matt and Anna night.

Last night there was a party at Matt's house and it was a lot of fun. There were lots of pretty girls there, one of which Matt briefly dated and initially I felt really freaked out by that. I could feel myself judging these girls and comparing myself to them. But then I talked to them and they were really nice and smart and welcoming, and I realized that my knee jerk response to meeting attractive women when Matt is around is to think of them as competition. There's a lot of valid reasons for why I do this, all of which are based on my past circumstances and have nothing whatsoever to do with Matt.

It was funny because as I was thinking g about this, Matt pulled me aside and kissed me and said,

I feel so lucky that I met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life so early. I love you so much.

Later on I told him about my pathological response to the pretty girls and he smiled at me indulgently and was very sweet and supportive. The fact of the matter is that he's crazy about me. He wants to be with me, and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. It's pretty great but it's not something I'm at all used to. It means accepting that I'm the sort of person that someone like Matt-- someone brilliant and talented and funny and ambitious and kind and loving and not to mention drop dead gorgeous-- that I am the kind of person that someone like Matt would want to be with. He could have been with anyone on the planet; girls are crazy about him. But he chose to be with me. And maybe I need to start realizing that it's not for no reason. It's not because he's stupid or didn't have anything better to do. He wants to be with me because I am worth being with. I have to realize that.

I had lots of good conversations with people last night and it was a swell party overall. And I actually wound up hitting it off with the girl Matt dated briefly and she told Matt that she thinks I'm the cat's meow. That was really nice.

I stayed over and took Matt out to breakfast today. He just went off to his vocal rehearsal and is coming over to my house tonight to snuggle and watch movies.

I'm trying to take better care of myself and be nicer to myself. I'm trying to enjoy how golden life is right now and all the blessings that are being offered to me and that means realizing that I deserve all of this.

When you spent so many years hating yourself and seeing all that hate reflected back at you, learning to love yourself is kinda hard.

This really has been the very best year of my life thus far.