Tuesday, May. 25, 2004 | 1:24 PM

This sucks.

I can�t tell you how much I�d like to go running for the shelter of a mother�s little helper right now. My brains have turned to mashed potatoes. I look like HELL. It�s only my third day off the speed and I feel like I�m gained fifteen pounds. I want to cry every five minutes. I woke up twice in the middle of the night last night from dreams of being eaten by rats and cockroaches.

But I know�I KNOW that I am doing the right thing here.

Last night I went out for dinner with Liz (Matt�s sister) who�s going through some serious bullshit right now. And then Matt met up with us and we all went back to their apartment and watched LOTR: The Two Towers extended addition. Matt made me honey vanilla chamomile tea and he held my hand throughout the whole movie. He�s so amazing and encouraging�the best boyfriend you could ever want.

I don�t think I�ve ever had so much determination to get better.

Today I have my appointment with the eating disorders therapist.

Matt and I joked about us turning into Yanni and Oprah respectively, but you know what? Fuck it. I�d rather be happy and boring with love in my life, than wild and tortured. I�ve done wild and tortured for too long. Wild and tortured is great when you�re 25, and fucking sad what you�re 30. I�m half way to 30 so as the Brady Bunch says,

It�s time to change/ It�s time to rearrange