Thursday, May. 20, 2004 | 1:45 PM

I�m in a tug of war between self destruction and love.

I have an appointment with an eating disorders therapist, and another with an eating disorders nutritionist. I�m getting all my blood work done in the next couple of days. I�m getting an IUD.

These are all good things.

But still, the pills and the booze. I am terrified of quitting the pills. I am TERRIFIED of it.

Do you want to end up like Jimi Hendrix? Or Mama Cass? Or Janis? Or Jim Morrison? Because there�s only one ending to this story if you keep this up Anna. And you�re too goddamned smart to believe otherwise.

he said to me at the Model.

He�s right of course.

Then we went back to his house and shared a taco in the kitchen standing at the counter. We each took turns taking bites.

And then we made love.

I love making love to him more thyan anything in the world.

I love him so much.

Can love win out over fear?

I hope so. I�m trying. I really am.