Saturday, May. 08, 2004 | 6:27 AM

Hey sweetie,

I love you very very much and I know you love me; I had a great time tonight. I know this is my pathology coming out, but it�s bothering me�has been the whole night for various reasons, and I just have to say it.

When you told me about your conversation with Dave regarding our relationship, and you alluded to my weight and how that had previously been an issue for you and how you had changed your mind, on the one hand I thought that was really beautiful and awesome. And on the other I was like, �fuck you.� Does that make sense? Like I know how much pressure our society puts on everyone regarding appearance�and obviously I know that had been a central issue for you. And you�ve been incredible�absolutely amazing about it�I have never felt so loved, so accepted, so adored by another human being as I have by you. I know that you love me. I�ve never felt so loved in my whole life as I do when I�m with you.

And yet there�s this part of me�and it could totally be craziness (I don�t doubt that for a moment) that�s pissed�like you don�t deserve to pat yourself on the fucking back for having made this decision to be with me because I happen to be fat. Like, in a sense you do�in the sense that everything in this culture SCREAMS appearance is the most important thing in the world. But I�m not a charity case�do you know what I mean? And in a way, I completely applaud what a huge step you took by recognizing what love is and disavowing the shallow restrictions of our culture. But in another, I�m fucking really angry�and maybe I�m angry at THE WORLD and not at you�I don�t know�you�ve been nothing but wonderful�really, you have been. You�ve made me feel so beautiful and complete and I LOVE what we have. In just a couple of days you�ve made me view the entire universe differently. You are such a lovely soul�and I love loving you. I love making love to you. I love being with you.

But I don�t want you to be with me IN SPITE of how I look. I am who I am. That may change. I wouldn�t be surprised if it does. Not at all. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I (somehow) got down to being 135 lbs. I would be the hottest ticket in this city. But I�m not that, and I don�t know if I�ll ever be that. And I can�t worry about whether I will be. I just can�t. I spent years and fucking years throwing up everything I ate to the point where I was so sick I was almost admitted into Strong Memorial Hospital as an in patient, and the effects that had on my health are forever lasting.

And here�s what it comes down to�when you said you�d told Dave that you�d already spent enough time being with people romantically based on their bodies versus their souls, on the one hand I was like, RIGHT ON. And on the other, I was like, FUCK YOU�and here�s why.

My body is not separate from my soul. My body is what you�re sticking your penis into when you have sex with me. My body is what you�re kissing, what you�re touching, what you�re loving. I don�t want to be loved in spite of my body. And the thing is, with you, I DON�T feel that way. When we were together the other night, I felt so loved and so beautiful and so fucking free to just be who I was. And then when you told me the whole Dave thing, it FREAKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

You�re beautiful, Matt. You�re classically beautiful. But that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my feelings for you. It really and truly doesn�t. And I know that you love me for who I am. I know you do. But I can�t feel like that�s some charitable fucking choice on your part. Again, I know this sounds crazy, but I don�t think it is entirely. I know it�s my pathology, and it also isn�t. I wish I could wave a friggin� magic wand and be 36-24-36 but it�s not going to happen. Or it could, but not in a good way. I am fucked up enough without trying to press myself into some kind of stupid fucking mold the world has set up for me, and which you supposedly reject but actually don�t.

What we have together is so beautiful and magical and HOTT and I know I�m not just dreaming that up. It�s profound. But I cannot be some project you�ve committed yourself to out of the goodness of your heart. I can�t be an altruistic explanation you provide to Dave about WHAT LOVE REALLY IS. You have to be with me because you fucking love me and that includes loving me BECAUSE of my body�not in spite of it. Otherwise it�s not going to work.

I�m not a porn star,. And I know you don�t want a porn star. But I can�t be the antithesis of the porn star you point out as an example regarding how enlightened you are about choosing romantic partners who aren�t porn stars.

Your physical appearance has never once occurred to me as a reason I would or would not be with you. Yes�now that I love you, when I look into your eyes, when I feel your body, when I stroke your hair�you strike me as BEAUTIFUL. But that�s all gravy, honey. What you are to me is the sun, the moon, and the fucking stars, regardless of what you look like. And I don�t feel the need to explain that to anyone. I guess that�s what I want in return.

All of my love,

Anna