Friday, Mar. 19, 2004 | 2:26 AM

Our band has a name.

And it is�

The Silver Lining.

Very evocative of what we are. Bittersweet. A touch hoakey. A touch sarcastic. Very retro.

Our show is April 10th at the Skybar so come see us.

I was in a bad mood today at practice. Felt really cold and dead. Clinical. Not sure why. Actually, yeah I am sure, but whatever. I have to get over this. It�s bullshit. Who cares.

Afterwards, Matt, Kara, and I went back to Matt�s place and hung out. Matt�s oldest friend and roommate D. joined us and D. and I went and smoked cigarettes in his room and talked and D. made me a Prince mix-�very sweet of him. I don�t know how well that went over with Matt.

God�this sucks. You would think that putting everything on the table, having the talk would clear the air. But it doesn�t because now I�m so self conscious and I can feel myself getting the way I get when I�m hurt�snarky and standoffish. Which is bullshit. And it�s far more subtle than I�ve ever been before. But what Matt and I had was so magical and I hope it�s not gone now. I feel in a state of total despair about it. Will I be doomed for the rest of my life to have relationships like this where someone is fascinated by me but can�t really and truly love me? And the thing is (and I�ve fucking been through this before) we can see right into each other�s souls and we each intrinsically, I think, know what is going on with the other person, but now there�s this dumb wall. We used to be so affectionate towards one another and now I�ve felt myself walling off from him. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I think we probably need to get together and spend some heavy alone time and talk more.

That song he wrote threw me for a loop. I can�t see how it�s not about me. The details are so specific. Or rather it�s not so much about me as it is about how he wishes he could connect to me but can�t. It�s the saddest saddest song ever. And today I wrote him an email just asking what it was about, and he ignored it. Which pissed me off. And I have no right to be pissed at all. And I used to just be so focused on wanting him to be happy and now I�m being a selfish asshole and wanting to collect on my emotional investment. This is crap.

Which brings me back to my original conclusion that romantic relationships suck. And fuck them. I�m going to continue having affairs with random strangers and from this point on not get physically involved with anyone I actually care about because it doesn�t seem to work in my universe.

Oh well. I�m going to bed.