Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 | 9:46 AM

Yesterday like all my days lately, was a wonderful day. Is it boring to read about? The whole first year and a half of this diary was nothing but anxt and whining. It�s all so different now.

Anyway, after work I met Matt�s sister Liz at Pho Pasteur and we hung out and talked for four hours. I really like her a lot. She�s smart and insightful and all around swell. She knows that I�m madly in love with her brother and she takes it all in stride. She is also quite literally one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on. Looking at her is like looking at a renaissance painting. She�s breath taking.

After dinner, I went home and talked to Matt on the phone for about an hour and a half. Was super vulnerable and heart on my sleev-y and it was good. He�s coming over for dinner and to sing and watch movies and such on Saturday, which just happens to be Valentines Day. Last year�s Valentine�s Day was the worst Valentine�s Day of all time�I got drunk alone and sobbed my eyes out�I remember crying so hard that I actually threw up. Nothing ever hurt more than that, and nothing will ever hurt so badly ever again. Getting through it seemed insurmountable, and the fact that I got through it means I can get through anything. Hence, I am not afraid of nothin� no more.

Last Valentines Day I never thought I�d be happy or in love again. Ha ha�what a sucker I was. I�m really not in any way shape or form kidding when I say I would marry Matt. I completely understand what people mean when they say you meet someone and within five minutes you just know. Of course, it would probably have to be an open marriage for a variety of reasons, which would be fine with me�I have no sexual jealousy when it comes to him. What we have is so far beyond that.

We had an amazing conversation last night�all of our conversations are amazing, but this one in particular was phenomenal. Everyone should have a Matt in their life. I can�t imagine not having him. My heart is just bursting with love for him. I would give him the sun and the moon and the stars if I could. I have never wanted so much for another person to be happy. He is the most glorious human being on the planet. Last night I got around to telling him that I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him, which is true, and was also the scariest thing I have ever said to another human being.

After I hung up with Matt, I spent some time with Angus and he and I had a very good, very real talk about a lot of things. He was very honest with me about what he�s feeling right now and I reassured him that he has a very special place in my life and that I love him and nothing will ever change that. He said some beautiful things to me and we wound up kissing and he slept with me in my bed and we cuddled all night long.

God it�s been a fucking great couple of days. I am so so so so lucky, I can�t believe it.

You know, I like being able to have all different kinds of relationships with people. I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want to. I feel rejuvenated and replenished all the time, and sexy as hell. I wonder how people go about having more classically defined relationships where they are beholden to someone else and there are all kinds of rules and codicils of behavior. That certainly didn�t work for me. And I feel like there�s just this whiff of bullshit to it. I feel like every relationship and friendship I have now is so much more real and special because it�s not about validation or anything like that. Everyone can come and go as they please with no fight from me, and it means so much more when they stay of their own volition and not because they feel like they have to.

I have to figure out what Matt and I are going to cook for Valentines Day. Something romantic of course�but what? We�ve already done chicken french, and chicken parm, and southwest chicken (yeah I know�enough with the fucking chicken already.) If anyone has any suggestions I�d be thrilled to hear them�