Tuesday, Jan. 06, 2004 | 9:52 AM

I spent last night with Angus and Lynn. We drank some wine and listened to some tunes and talked about a bunch of things and stayed up too late. Eventually Lynn went to bed and it was just Angus and I and we did make out a little. He slept with me in my bed and that was really lovely. I think of anyone, Angus is my favorite I�ve ever shared a bed with. He is nonstop cuddly in a completely undemanding way. I woke up and his head was on my breast, his legs entwined with mine, his arms wrapped all the way around me. Also, we kiss each other as we drift in and out of sleep. We don�t sleep together all that much, so when we do it�s a really nice gift.

In other boy related news, Matt emailed me the most beautiful long letter yesterday that sent shivers down my spine and made me grin like a fool all day long. He is so smart and funny and sincere and I adore him such a lot and trust him implicitly in a way that I haven�t trusted �new� people for ages. Some of this has to do with me and that I�m getting better, but some of it has to do with him and what a stand up human being he is.

It�s amazing to me that I am surrounded by so many wonderful supportive people whom I feel so comfortable with, and who go out of their way to let me know how much they care about me. The past year has been like that pretty much, and it�s a totally new thing. Love is everywhere and I feel so safe and protected in a way that I haven�t ever experienced. It�s funny because the seed of this was planted when I moved out on my own, which was scary but turned out to be the smartest thing I ever did for myself. The more independent and courageous you are and the more you take care of yourself, the more real love and friendship you find in your life.

2003 was about sex, death, and regeneration. It was about cutting out old, useless worn out bullshit. It was about getting rid of dead wood and pulling up weeds. It was one of the hardest most painful years I�ve ever had in some ways, and also the single most rewarding I�ve experienced as an adult. I�m not exactly sure what 2004 will be like, but I have a feeling it�ll be good, as well as hard work in a different way than 2003 was�not so much emotionally, but in that hard physical results elbow grease sort of way.

Tonight I have class. Tomorrow, Angus, Michelle, and I are going to see LOTR yet again. Thursday I have plans with Liz. Friday I have plans with Michelle, and Saturday I have plans with Matt. I feel like I haven�t seen Debbie in a gazillion years, and I miss her. I�m going to NYC in a couple of weeks to see Sean, and next week I�m hanging with Director et al. Life is full, and it�s sweet. Who ever woulda thunk it? I still keep marveling at it all. I feel like I�ve won the lottery, but I guess really all it is, is that I finally stopped being stupid and waiting for life to happen to me, and instead I started making shit happen myself. It�s all actually really simple, you know?