Sunday, Jan. 04, 2004 | 10:44 PM

I�m back in Boston and don�t feel like being here. I had the loveliest vacation�it was the nicest holiday I�ve ever had, hands down, and I felt like I came to terms with so much and finally understood so much and yet the second I get back within these city limits doubt creeps in. I don�t like Boston that much�not right now anyway. I�m finding myself feeling sad about things that are very stupid to be sad about. Sometimes I feel really used�like people only want to hang out with me when they need emotional support. This is all skewed bullshit of course and I know it is. I�m shocked that I still have this capacity for self pity occasionally when I am very much loved and supported. But I feel lonely and sad at the moment. The apartment is empty. I�m sitting at the computer wishing I had more cigarettes, when for two weeks I barely smoked at all. I don�t want to go back to work tomorrow�the thought of it is so distasteful that I almost wish some disaster would befall me so I wouldn�t have to go in. I can already feel my eyes glaze over with boredom. I think I�m going to go meditate and see if I can get myself back into the state of philosophical high mindedness and goodwill towards humankind that I felt with such vehemence while in Rochester.

At the breakfast table the other day, Matt said

I am tired of irony. I am tired of cynicism. I�m hired of all that postmodern crap. I want something more authentic, more adventurous than all of that.

I couldn�t agree more. I don�t think I�m going to find it in Boston, but I�m going to fucking try.