Friday, Dec. 19, 2003 | 8:52 PM

God there is so much going on right now. And I am burning the candle at both ends. Tonight I am taking the night off from all of this craziness and I am spending time alone. I am trying to quiet my own mind which is whirring whirring whirring at a billion miles an hour. I keep analyzing everything to death. I don�t want to do that�it�s not productive. I want to take things as they come. I wrote Matt an email this morning and told him how amazing I think he is and how wonderful and I am wondering whether I should have done that. I hate that I have a tendency to see things in terms of power�that by telling him how much I like him, I am giving him the upper hand. This is such a stupid way to think about relationships. Last night I was only thinking about loving him and giving to him and now I am thinking in terms of expectations�I am thinking about his reaction. Will he have woken up this morning and not been as taken with me as he was last night? Am I projecting all of this? What is real? What is the Truth?

Yesterday afternoon before going out to karaoke I came home from work and thought about the song, River Deep Mountain High and how much I would love to sing it. That song lives in me somewhere and I haven�t yet pulled it out of myself. I want to., because my voice is very much the manner in which my soul communicates with the rest of the world, and I�m thinking that there is something I want to communicate there�some kind of unbridled love that I haven�t made a connection with. I thought about it for like an hour. Then at karaoke last night, quite randomly Matt took my hand and said, Do you know the song �River Deep Mountain High�? I�ve never heard it but I have this feeling it�s really special and I want to hear you sing it.

Now, that song is kind of random�it�s not a song everyone knows, and he and I had never talked about it before. I started thinking about the song again right before he said that, and when he said it I started shaking. I feel something for him that is so intense and profound and I have never ever felt it for any other person in my life. I�m not saying that I haven�t felt things that were as meaningful, but whatever this is I�ve never experienced it before. I don�t want to damage it and I�m afraid of myself. I�m afraid of my tendency to consume and envelop people. I�m afraid of my tendency to manipulate and push. I�m afraid of the tidal wave of my own emotions. I want to be the best possible version of myself. I�m afraid that I�m going to start desiring him in some primal way that won�t be satiated because it�s a desire for something I should find in myself. I�m afraid of loss. And I�m afraid that maybe I�m wrong. I don�t know. And I want the wheels in my head to stop turning which means maybe I should stop writing this and go meditate. He hasn�t written me back and he hasn�t called me today and I know that he�s terrified of love and this is something that is probably scaring him to death. It�s easy to deal with these things in a high minded conceptual universe but much harder when you bring them down to the physical plain. Being with him last night and singing with him and kissing him and touching him opened up all these other doors�it�s not like we were sexual because we weren�t. But even that level of physical intimacy pushed everything into a new realm. If I had sex with him I think my mind would explode. I feel like I�m about to plunge into a rabbit hole. I don�t want to fuck up my life.

It�s so ridiculous to say that you love someone after knowing them a fucking month. But it�s the intensity of our interaction and the intimacy of it. God damned my laser beam focus. Normal people don�t sit and obsess over everything the way I do. I have a tendency to love quite universally�my affections aren�t specific. I can see the beauty residing in every living thing and it�s only a matter of choosing where to focus those affections. That�s why it�s so easy for me to be intimately involved with a number of people at once. But my feelings for him are so specific and acute. It�s like he has access to some part of me that no one has ever touched before�a part of me I didn�t know was even there. It�s weird because it�s not really even about sex at all although my feelings for him are romantic in a way I haven�t encountered within myself prior to meeting him. He unlocks me, and I experience life in a new and authentic way when I am with him.

And now I�m doing him a disservice because I�m sitting around wondering what he thinks of me and because my psychic radar is so attuned, when I do that it�s like meddling in another person�s head. It�s unfair and manipulative. Angus told me once that I am very uncomfortable to be around that I have all this power and put all this pressure on people without even saying or doing anything. My ex once said that I can make people feel like shit just by blinking. And Sean when he was up last week told me I�m one of the most powerful people he�s ever met. And when I feel powerless, I start inadvertently using my own power in really psychically damaging ways. I know how much I have hurt people in the past, driven them from me by being so invasive. And I so don�t want to do that but I find it incredibly hard to be close to someone without melting directly into their field of energy. It�s like I can walk through walls. I see beyond the faces people present to the world and I can get right at the core of them. But the thing is, I need to respect the faces people present�they wear those masks for reasons and it�s not my job or my right to do their own emotional gruntwork for them. I have to stop hearing the psychic subtext in things and just listen to the words themselves.

I can be a black hole sucking the energy right out of someone, or I can be the fuckign sun radiating energy. Those are the only two states I know. And I want to be the sun. I want to be the fucking sun. I want to give life and heat and light without concern. I need to find a step by step process that will get me from one state to the other.

If I never hear from Matt agaiun, I am still so fucking happy that he came into my life. I need to accept death, or the possibility of death. Maybe that�s the first part of the process.