Monday, Nov. 24, 2003 | 11:07 AM

I�m fighting off a heavy depression right now. I can feel it settling in my body and behind my eyes. I click off and I�m not present. I burrow within myself, deep into my own dirt and I hibernate underground.

Saturday night I dreamed I ran into you in New York City. We had egg creams and played soccer in Central Park. You held me and told me you loved me and I felt safe. Elliott Smith was playing in the background

People you�ve been before that you don�t want around anymore
They push and shove and won�t bend to your will
I�ll keep them still

I woke up and for a few seconds I wasn�t sure what was real and what wasn�t. Then I felt the dream drain away and I spent all day crying. I don�t know why. I was after all never once safe with you. In fact I was always in harm�s way.

I am questioning everything now. I�m feeling a little lost. I�m wondering exactly how I got here and where it is I�m going. Sometimes I�m so sure and then I lose it�like a tune you hear so often you wind up taking it for granted. Then one day, it�s vanished from the airwaves and you can�t remember the chorus.

Sometimes I feel so deeply hurt by things that I don�t want to get out of bed in the morning. Hold my calls. Mark my mail return to sender. Please leave me alone. Don�t tell me your secrets. I don�t want to know how you feel. If you love me please keep it to yourself because I don�t want to count on that.

I love you and I want you to be happy more than anything else. But then why is it that your happiness can make me so miserable? Why is it that loving someone so deeply always means loss? Shaking off all constraints, making myself vulnerable has always lead to my own spiritual disfigurement. Is it worth it? I honestly don�t know. I�m more and more ambivalent.

Sometimes I am tempted to think it is this city, which is unfair. Regardless, I�m glad to be going home for a few days. My battery is low. I�m exhausted. I need more time alone. I�m going to restructure things. I hope that doesn�t hurt you too much; I don�t think it will right now. This needs to be different. I still wasn�t ready and I let myself get so involved. I�m not sorry. I�m not sorry, but I still don�t think I know myself well enough yet and I don�t want to repeat past mistakes. I don�t think I�ve established appropriate boundaries. I don�t want to play the same games and follow the same patterns again and again. I see everyone around me doing it. I know I�ve done it. I want to make radically different choices. And I think in the long run this is better anyway. I don�t want to lose you as a friend. But more importantly I don�t want to lose myself. I don�t want to resent you for getting me off track. I�m turning this car around and going in the other direction. The scenery here is lovely but I�ve seen it all before. I love you so much. I don�t want to lose site of that. This has become so complicated. I need to step back and take a breather.