Sunday, Sept. 21, 2003 | 10:26 AM

I'm at work right now hiding in my office with the shades pulled down and the lights off, listening to The Cure's Let's Go To Bed at top volume. Talk about a song I'd like to do for karaoke.

Oh wait-- now I'm listening to Lullaby.

The Spiderman is having me for dinner tonight�

Ah, the Cure-- a reliable old pal that I don't hang out with enough. Once every few months I toss on all my old albums and remember how nice it can be to sink into a delicious ecstatic sort of melancholy. The Cure reminds me of wandering around Paris at age 16 in the rain, standing outside Sacre Coeur with my headphones on.

This week has been so intense. I haven�t slept well at all. I�ve drank far too much. I�ve been out til all hours. I�ve been struggling with old demons. I�m losing the physical proximity of a dear friend. I�ve been working myself to death. I�ve been writing letters and having painful conversations. I�ve been thrown into the realm of professional theatre training with famous theatre folk. I�m so fucking exhausted I don�t even know how I�m still functioning.

I have serious black circles under my eyes. I�m talking BLACK. It�s disconcerting to look at myself in the mirror. I feel (and this totally abnormal for me) entirely dexualized right now. The thought of fucking is distasteful. I think I would fall asleep mid screw.

I love neptune transits�they are such fun.

I think when I leave here I�m going to go to the movies.

I think I�m going to go see Lost In Translation again today because I identify with the sense of estrangement and shock of consciousness those characters have.

This isn�t a bad thing at all�it�s actually probably a wonderful thing�it�s exactly what I need. But I feel over the past week like I woke up and my life is a foreign country. I don�t know where anything is. I don�t speak the language. I don�t read maps very well. And I�m just trying to find my way around�and it�s forcing me to notice everything. It�s forcing me to truly see with my heart and not just scan with my eyes.

Everything feels like it�s settling into my body in an entirely different way.

Dude check it out. I just found a radio station that plays the BEST MUSIC EVER. In the past hours I have heard Built to Spill, The Rapture, Pavement, Life Without Buildings, and Grandaddy. How fucking killer is that? It's like getting a mix from my hip ex. You know, somebody needs to have a post punk radio station that plays nothing but English shit from 1976-198. Gang oif Four, Siouxsie, Joy Divison. Oh yeah. I'd love me some joy divison.