Monday, Aug. 11, 2003 | 3:53 PM

I had a very Kafka-esque moment this morning when I awoke to a cockroach scampering over my leg. No lie. It was a huge sucker too, like it has just emerged from a tub of glowing green nuclear waste. Needless to say I let out a blood curdling scream and my heart went into fibrillation. I will most likely suffer from some kind of neurosis due to this incident for the rest of my life.

My apartment is not in any way shape or form filthy�it�s cluttered and messy right now because I�m yet again uprooting myself and trying to get rid of most of my property, but it�s clean�no food left around or anything like that. So I can only assume that the little bugger came from one of the cardboard boxes I brought from 7-11 to pack my belongings in. I wasn�t able to catch him and now I am paralyzed with dread that he has taken over my home and is breeding a super race of vermin. I am quite honestly afraid to go home tonight because I have this terrible image of opening my door to find them all skittering haphazardly and shrieking (do bugs shriek? I feel like they do�) Which is ridiculous. He is just a BUG after all. He can�t bite or cast an evil spell or even talk me into doing anything naughty. Yet I feel powerless against him.

However, I would totally pay someone a million dollars to let me feed him/her this live bug. I think that would be fascinating.

Have been participating in a good email exchange with Joe (my rock writer friend) over the past week�he brings out the snark in me and that is something I appreciate�nobody else does that besides Eric. They know where to go to find my barbed wire and prickleys. I like being able to show my claws. It makes me feel like a complete human being.

I miss Ivy. Her body was like an ocean. I dream of her body and wake up feeling empty. I love his body too, but it�s right angles and lithe movements. Having two lovers, a man and a woman makes sex a whole experience for me (even though I haven�t had them both at the same time�yet). I think I should always have a male and a female lover, like opposite ends of balanced scales.