Tuesday, Apr. 22, 2003 | 10:15 AM

Ok.

So today I look so pretty that it�s like unreal. I mean seriously, this may be the prettiest I have ever been in my whole life. Every time I walk by a window pane I have to stop and smile at myself because I�m so fucking charming. Vana White has nothing on me today. People oughta be asking me for my autograph today. People oughta buy me fruit baskets and cherry lip balm and Donny Osmond 45�s.

Seriously.

I want to make out with somebody. Not just somebody. I wanna make out with co-star. I wanna be seduced and cajoled into bed. I want to be danced around the room. I want my stockings slipped slowly down my legs and my dress slipped over my head.

Sometimes I feel really unloved and I don�t know why. I try to stand outside myself and see how stupid that is, but I often feel paranoid that nobody really cares about me . I need constant reassurance. Jesus I�m so self involved. Theatre fills that void and makes it OK. I�m scared of what�s going to happen when Cabaret is over.

I feel respected and admired but not really loved. And that�s probably my fault because I keep people at arm�s length. More so as I get older. Even as I cling to them I push them away.

Oh clich� clich� clich�.

Here�s another one. The most honest, open, vulnerable, and real I am is onstage. Behind the mask of another character it�s far easier for me to tell the truth.