March 18, 2003 | 11:15 AM

OK so here�s the plan.

That free love art commune that Josh and I have been discussing? Yeah, it�s about time for that to happen. And my vote is New Zealand. Let�s all get the hell outta here. Sure there�s a lotta sheep down there, but there�s apparently a lot of sheep in this country as well.

I watched CNN for about four hours yesterday and I didn�t hear one intelligent word out of anyone�s mouth. It was endless blather. The fucking democrats fer chrissake on Larry King were saying,

Well even though I may not have agreed with our President�s strategy, now that he�s decided to go to war we all have to rally around him and our troops.

Um�. Why? Why do I have to rally around a homicidal maniac whose blood lust, greed and desire for personal revenge are dictating foreign policy? I was appalled at Bush�s inference that current international events have a direct parallel to Nazi Germany�s rise in the 1930�s. Having been studying that era in depth recently, I can say that this is not the case. Avoiding a war with Saddam is not akin to appeasement. Sadam Hussein is not trying to take over the world. He is a typical dictator of a typical second tier country. So he has weapons? Of course he does. Guess who sold them to him?

There are far greater threats against the United States than Iraq. North Korea has a very real arsenal that could obliterate North America in retaliation, which is probably the point. The United States, like any bully, doesn�t want to pick on someone who could actually fight back.

Oh don�t get me wrong, we�re in for it. We�re going to be fucked. The international terror community is going to throw a tickertape parade when we march into Bagdhad , because we are giving them an excuse to go hog wild and start bombing shopping malls and elementary schools across our great nation.

The arrogance of the United States baffles me. Haven�t we learned anything from the once great Brittish Empire, who for centuries had no qualms about marching into other countries, taking over, stripping and exploiting natural resources, and wreaking havoc and instability? Look what happened to them? They�re a fucking museum piece. I think it�s hilarious that Bush keeps harping on the fact that England is supporting us. Who gives a fuck if they are? All Britain is good for these days is music and snarky comedy. I mean hell, I dig Radiohead and Monty Python as much as the next guy, but England�s influence on the world at large is pretty much confined to the sphere of pop culture.

This war is a complete and utter sham. According to the New York Times (February 1, 1999) U.N. inspection teams have destroyed many times more chemical and biological weapons than were destroyed during the Gulf War. Gulf War Part II probably won�t even target weapon stockpiles since they're nearly impossible to locate. The likeliest targets of a U.S. air strike are those facilities already under U.N. inspection and the bombing would most likely destroy the monitoring equipment now in place. Pentagon officials do not suspect that any biological or chemical weapons are being stored in Hussein's presidential palaces; Iraq's refusal to open these palaces to inspectors is supposedly why we feel the need to bomb his country. Pentagon officials think it's unlikely that Hussein will launch any chemical or biological weapons in response to a U.S. attack because Iraq's Scud missiles are actually not very good at delivering chemical or biological weapons. The Iraqi military is a shambles: it�s about as effective as the Confederate Troops after the South surrendered. The army is so weakened that it does not pose a threat to neighboring countries�I mean after all, have we seen or heard about Iraq invading anyone since Desert Storm? NO. Because he doesn�t have the means to do so.

A war won't reduce Hussein's weapons stockpiles, and it probably won't drive him from power. The Pentagon acknowledges all this. It will make a few rich people even richer, especially the stockholders of military equipment manufacturers and Arab sheiks who gain the longer Iraqi oil is kept from the world market. How perfectly ironic that for some time after a U.S. victory, only U.S. corporations would be given the lucrative deals to rebuild Iraq's oil facilities (already under contract for some of these riches is Halliburton, U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney's old oil company).

We are going to further impoverish and exploit an already devastated nation for our own economic purposes. This is a return to 19th and early 20th century imperialism.

Now according to Ari Fleisher,

Iraq has made a series of mistakes, including arming themselves with weapons of mass destruction that have brought this crisis upon itself. [not exiling himself from his country]� is the latest mistake Iraq could make. It would be Saddam's final mistake. The president still hopes he will take the ultimatum seriously and leave the country.

The biggest mistake that Iraq has made is being stupid enough to be located right on top of one the greatest oil reserves in the world. EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD HAS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. Why aren�t we bothering China. Or England for that matter?

For crimminy�s sakes, Robin Cook, the leader of the government in the Brittish House of Commons resigned because he feels this war is immoral. How many times do you hear that from government officials? You don�t. Those suckers never want to relinquish their jobs. I mean, would you want to give up that amount of vacation time? And yet a bunch of people, a bunch of pretty square middle of the road individuals have left their jobs over this. It�s a sign, kiddies. Government hacks resigning over principle is like whales beaching themselves en masse�something is definitely up.

And now people are going to die. Over there, and most likely over here. And now, we are losing our allies. Rome is about to burn. Say good-bye to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I�ll be off shearing sheep in New Zealand if anyone wants to join me.