March 03, 2003 | 11:08 AM

My birthday is 12 days from now. March 15th. I am spending it in New York City with Sean. It will be my first birthday not spent in Boston since I turned 19.

In 12 days, I am going to be 26 years old, and this is the first year that I actually look older. I�ve always had kind of a baby face. I still get carded for cigarettes, and I don�t really look much different than I looked at 18.

But this year there are a few tiny lines around my eyes. I look, I think a bit more tired and not quite as present, which is annoying since this Fall I was filled with energy and joy and probably looked the best I ever have in my life. All things are transient, which is good I guess because that means this is transient as well.

Right now I look and feel incredibly fucking exhausted.

Here�s what I want for the next year. (Warning: self pitying whiny victim talk ahead)

Would it be possible to have one fucking year without any trauma please? Just one god damned year where nothing horribly upsetting takes place? I know this is a lot to ask when there are people who are actually suffering whereas I am only suffering in a lame middle class way, but I�ve honestly just about had it.

Can I have a year without any of the following:

Job loss

Abortion

Major financial setbacks

The destruction of important romantic relationships/friendships

The death of friends or loved ones

DRAMA

Thanks, that would be terrific.

Here�s what I do want for this year. I want to be able to continue acting and get more and more experience so I become better and better and eventually can just do that for a living. I want to either move out of Boston to NYC or the West Coast, or at the very least have a plan in place to do so. I want to win that fucking singing contest (more details later�it�s far off in the future) so that I can have $10,000 with which to move and pay off all my debt. I want a pony and a pipe made of diamonds and a magic egg that prevents nuclear war and makes all the world leaders happy so they stop threatening each other and scaring the shit out of me. I want to have lots of make-out sessions and I want to spend more time with my family and my friends. I want to read more books. I want someone to fill my room with tulips and daffodils. I want to help people. I want to feel sure of people again. I want to love people unconditionally again and not be suspicious of them. I want lots of pairs of tights and brand new fluffy pillows. I want someone to snuggle with me in bed while we watch episodes of Six Feet Under. I want to learn German and become fluent in French. I want to travel. I want to drink more Saki. I want forgiveness. I want joy. I want an avocado and havarti melt on sourdough bread and a side of crispy french fries with lots of salts and ketchup.

Is that too fucking much to ask?