February 21, 2003 | 7:29 PM

My dinner guests will be here shortly and I have to get myself in an OK mood.

Forget your troubles come on get happy
Go On an chase all your care away
Shout HALLELUJIA come on get happy
We're headin' for the judgement day

You know something I've been doing lately? I've been giving away vast amounts of money to homeless people. And to charity. And I've been ordering food and then giving it to people asking for change outside.

Oh and not because I'm so kind and caring. Oh no. I'm selfish ladies and gents. I have a heart of coal. I've been feeling so fucking TERRIBLE lately-- so horribly lost and sad, and angry and hurt and emotionally famished. And so in order to make myself feel better, I've been trying to relate in these silly ways. Trying to make some connection, trying to get a sense back of what it's like to help. Trying to feel good. Because I don't feel good, or like I am good. I don't even know where the hell I am anymore.

But, a dinner party awaits.

And thank God-- on Sunday I have rehearsal-- the life preserver I cling to in this storm of... of... What? I don't even know. I'm going to go play Martha Stewart.