February 14, 2003 | 9:22 AM

i have gone out of my way to be as polite as possible. I have not done any name calling. I have not talked shit about anyone else. I have only talked about my feelings, which I have every right to do. And the response I have gotten for that is that I am trashy. That I am evil. That I am doing my best to discredit you or wage war on you, which is beyond paranoid. I have gone out of my way to be gracious. I have even defended you to other people.

But this really only proves my point anyway.

If you think I am such a devious horrible trashy person, if you think I am waging a war on you, if you think that I am out to get you, then why do you want to be my friend? I�ve heard all of this and more from you for years. I�ve listened to you tell me time and again that I was crazy and irrational until I didn�t know which way was up. And it�s simply not true. I don�t wish bad things for you. I�m just angry and hurt and I have every right to be. And I have not done or said anything that is out of bounds. I am sorry if you are hurt, but i certainly have not done anything to hurt you on purpose. If I haven�t talked to you, it�s because I can�t right now, because you tend to discredit everything I say and tell me I'm crazy. I have made some attempt to talk to someone else who has not been able to talk to me. This is where we all are now. It has always made me sad that you have never seen me as I am. You have always told me how well you know me, but really you don�t at all.

I have stated repeadly that I respect your destiny and your right to make adult choices and have your own life without any interference from me. I also know that things happen for a reason and it's not my place to judge you. However, beyond all of that, this situation is fucked up. It is royally fucked up in many many ways. At some level you know that.

Oh and PS-- a GREAT deal of what I have written in the past several weeks has absolutely NOTHING to do with you at all. There are many things going on in my life right now that I have not directly stated here, just as I have not directly stated anything about you. And I bet you that a great deal of what you've read here that you think applies to you doesn't at all. And of course, some of it does.