January 31, 2003 | 10:57 AM

Last night to celebrate my upcoming CALL BACK for ONE OF THE LEADS IN CABARET, my sister and I had steak and potatoes and red wine and cr�me brulee for dinner, and we listened to Goetz-Gilberto and got a little drunk and sang some songs and talked to our Mom on the phone (who is of course now convinced that I am going to be �discovered��hah hah�although her last psychic prediction was just as ridiculous, and that came true to a T, so you never know.)

Good fucking times.

Perhaps I am jumping the gun but I have such a good feeling about this audition. My intuition is so strongly in favor of me walking away with exactly the part I want that I�m not even nervous. Something strange has happened to me after facing all my fears (as Debbie would say �Thank you Jim Cunningham!�) in that I have become some kind of super dynamo version of myself. Kinda like Obi Won Kenobi after he gets knocked down by Darth Vader and becomes far more powerful than anyone could have ever imagined. (No, I�m not implying that anyone else is Darth Vader, OK? NOBODY was Darth Vader.)

Shit dude, I am a fucking insane machine onstage. And oddly enough, I have some how developed this bizarre sexual charisma that isn�t based on how I look at all so much as how I sound and move and it just shoots out my fingertips and toes and I become magnetic as all hell. I can feel how I have everyone in the palm of my hand. When I used to be in a band, my onstage charisma was based more on self torture and pathos and that sort of bit. Not so now. I always felt I had the capacity to really seduce onstage, but was afraid to really let it out, afraid I couldn�t control that energy, and now�well shit dude, there it is, just circulating through me and out of me, a mighty force to be reckoned with. It�s funny because my views about sex have totally changed over the course of all this garbage, in ways I don�t really wanna go into, but the end result is that I feel fucking POWERFUL. Oh it�s just the best. �Cause I don�t need anyone�s approval anymore. I don�t need other people to tell me I�m attractive or good enough for them to like me. I don�t care that I�m not thin enough or pretty enough. I just have this masterful source of sexuality inside of me and I don�t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. It�s there, it�s very real and it�s so fucking intense that I could blow down a god damned house with it. And it is fully integrated into my performance.

On Saturday, I get to fucking DANCE too. They think I MOVE WELL. The part I�m going for is really HOTT in this dark sinister sort of way, and if I get it I get to make out with lots of boys on stage and belt out a superstar show stealing number and wear lingerie and I am SO FUCKING PSYCHED.

But you know what? If I don�t get it, that�s fine, too. I am just so glad I did this and that I know finally what I�m capable of and exactly who I am.

Oh Sweet Jesus I�m fucking psyched as hell.